A Definitive Lost Timeline (through the fragility of a suspect memory)

Spoiler: Many of these people are currently dead.

I can’t say I have the greatest memory in the world (it took me most of my formative years to learn the alphabet. Longer to learn love). In fact, most everything I do should be forgotten. But, wait, what was I doing?

Random Matchups: Wolverine vs. Batman

Introducing a new regular (that was a lie) segment where whatever random matchup that dominates my mindset on any given day gets a platform to shine! Or to not make any sense. Whatever the case may be, I’ve got nothing else fer ya.

To inaugurate this most prestigious occasion, in which I’m not quite sure what prestigious means, let’s pit two of the most popular heroes from Marvel and DC’s pantheon in a head to head death match, to the death.

In the Yellow and Brown corner is…Wolverine!

• Name: Wolverine AKA Logan AKA James Howlett AKA The short dude who says bub a lot AKA Wayne Gretzky.
• Age: Old enough to be Larry King’s grandson.
• Height: Extremely short, unless an artist forgets this. In which case he’s about 7’4.
• Powers: Mutant healing factor making him immortal. Adamantium claws making him essentially a robot. Fierce scowl making him America’s next top model.
• Pros: Tears people apart for little to no reason. Can never die, and has kicked Death’s ass for trying. Expert martial artist, who has such a fierce scowl.
• Cons: Extremely short, emotional, and Canadian.

And in the Black and Gray corner is…Batman!

• Name: Batman AKA ‘The’ Batman AKA Bruce Wayne AKA Matches Malone AKA Did you not read the last one?
• Age: Eternally mid-30’s.
• Height: Whatever Superman’s height it.
• Powers: Can do, like, so many push-ups. A world class detective. Has the uncanny ability to have planned for every contingency, no matter how many random coincidences come up. A fierce scowl making him Wolverine’s #1 rival.
• Pros: Is practically clairvoyant. Can do sit-ups. Kind of a jackass, but has a heart of gold (just like House!). Can do a roundhouse kick with the best of ’em. Shit ton of money. Scowl, baby.
• Cons: Possibly a pedophile. Just a dude who works out, really. Is currently stuck in time, like Scott Bakula and last season of Lost.

The legendary journeys continue! Sort of.

   

Aaaaand I’m back. In a way. After not checking in on the site for a good 8 freaking months, I’ve noticed I’m STILL getting just as many visitors now as when I was updating everyday. Which just goes to show I really shouldn’t have tried so hard to begin with. Apparently no work is just as good as half-assed work.  

Which works for me! And provides a fantastic moral for my future grandchildren.  

But now that I’m finally settled into a new rythm in a foreign land (the exotic and erotically dangerous Japan. Or as the natives call it, “Bukkake”) I figured I have nothing better to do in my free time, other then crying and being lonely, so why not start this entire enterprise up again? This soul saddeningly unprofitable enterprise.  

I can’t guarantee the same standards as before but I assure everyone tha…who am I kidding? There weren’t any fucking standards to begin with. So, to get the ball rolling, here’s five facts I’ve learned about my new home, Bukkake. But I’ll use Japan for my fellow gaijins out there.  

1. Being awesome, made easy!  

Apparently everything will impress a Japanese person. I use chopsticks and everyone goes, “sugoi!” Which means, “bear my children.” Or something similar.  I say “arigatou” and everyone swoons over my mastery of their language. I later learned “arigatou” actually means “thank you” and not “where are your cheapest prostitutes”, but that’s neither here nor there. 

I tell of my magical homeland of Canada and our great, umm, trees and flat land and stuff and I’m practically made the new Ambassador of Awesome. Hell, I took a dump at a public restroom and they made a TV show called Tokyo Dogs out of it. And trust me, they painstakingly recreated my shit through that show. Man, it’s shitty.  

So I’m telling you, go to Japan and just do whatever the hell you want. Want to smack that homeless dude? Do it! Rob a sushi cart? Right on. Take candy from a baby? Go…well, not a lot of babies in Japan anymore, but I’m willing to bet you could. Not only will you not be arrested and deported, stories of your awesomeness will be told of through their oral tradition for centuries to come. I’m telling you!  

2. To there and back again. Eventually.  

Japanese roads are messed up. For all the wonders that Japan has given the world, from Nintendo to octopus pornography, they still don’t understand the concept of city planning. The roads are, for lack of a wittier analogy, like Amy Winehouse’s face – you don’t know what the fuck is up with it. I’m about 250 km away from Tokyo, and if this were any other country, that’s a 20 minute drive.  Probably.  

Here? I left in December and I’m still on the road. Hell, I think I made a wrong turn back in Narnia and now I’m somewhere called “New Jersey” and it’s fucking horrible. All I wanted was to go to a maid cafe, where I can be treated like a real man (you know, by average looking girls dressed in bright frilly costumes pretending to like you. As nature intended).  

Instead, I got this:  

  

3. English, motherfucker. Do you speak it?  

Apparently my Anglo-centric worldview was a tad off kilter. Apparently not everywhere in the world speaks perfect Canadian English, the most stoic of all Englishes (Englii?). Apparently Japan in particular speaks something called “Japanese”. At first I called the person who told me this, my fellow coworker Obata-san,  a dirty Satan fucking liar. But then I realized everyone around me WAS speaking non-English. It was like I got sent into the Twilight Zone and ended up in a land of humanoid llamas. Or something. Also apparent was the fact that I was here to be an English teacher. How the hell did that happen? The only English I’ve ever taught in my life was to get my little brothers and sister to say “cunt”.  

Life works in mysterious ways, eh?  

After discovering the existence of this new language, I claimed it as Bukkakanese outside of Japan’s borders. That’s copyrighted by the way, so step the fuck off Carlos Mencia. Then I discovered most everyone doesn’t know what the hell I’m saying when I’m screaming into a crying clerks face for ten minutes. All I wanted to know  was where the celery sticks were. I even tried the universally accepted method of speaking English loudly, slowly and more patronizingly. No go. I think she may have had downs syndrome or something.  

She then commited harakiri in shame. That was awkward. And I didn’t find out where the celery was. 

Oh, celery! Where art thou?

 

4. Can I have a side of stroke with that?  

In a land of such petite inhabitants, you’d think they’d also eat petite, pussified food. Well, you’d be right. I ‘medium’ drink here is about a midget American small, AKA how much little Donny sweats walking nine and a half feet down hill. Everything’s exceedingly small except when it comes to fast food burgers, which they love. If ever you thought Americans were the only people gorging themselves to a greasy, acne masked early death, you haven’t seen these Japanese exclusive burgers yet:  

Like, seriously, what the hell?

Celebrating the human spirit!

It's like a Big Mac, if the Big Mac had BALLS.

 5. Who needs LSD when you’re shooting up pure Japan?  

Have you ever heard the stereotype that Japan is a weird and colorful land of strangeness? Well, it’s all true. Every single last word of it is true. Absolutely so. It’s just like you imagined. In fact, the real thing is so depravedly sordid that your imagination had a hernia picturing it. I hardened myself before arriving at the onslaught of geekdom that would surely fuck my face once I step foot on Japanese soil. Like a facehugger from Aliens. Only kawaii. 

My preparations failed. 

Okay, I can handle this...

Just a little bit of baby eating. We've all done it from time to time...

Where else indeed?

Points of interest from Comic Con 2009

• The last ever Lost panel (below) was both entertaining and surprisingly revealing. Okay, it wasn’t that revealing but the fact that Lindlelof and Cuse reveal anything at all is revealing.
• Heroes is really, really trying to prove it doesn’t suck anywhere. It’s not really working. I mean, the only thing anyone is talking about is Claire kissing a girl (and I assume she liked it). The fact that anything about Clair is a highlight isn’t boding well for the upcoming season. FYI: I fucking despise Claire.
• Well hello Tron trailer!

• True Blood fans (ie, me and middle aged women) got more than they expected when the cast and crew spilled the beans on what next season will be about. Namely, Sookie is going to be more and more attracted to Eric (I’m not sure why, besides being a badass and all) and that the Mississippi vamps and werewolves are going to stir some shit up.
• Chuck details! Apparently he won’t know karate all the time, which is a relief, and Awesome gets more action, which is, err, awesome.

What is also of note is just how much attention the Twilight sequel is getting. That movie is going to make a fucking fortune and my head will fall off due to prolonged periods of long, drawn out head shakes of disapproval.

Dexter season 4 trailer!

It’s Dexter. It’s new footage. There’s John Lithgow. Blood.

Watch it!

1up Shadow Complex Game Night

Jennifer’s Body gets a poster

The best, and only good, part of Transformers Revenge of the Fallen is getting her own movie.

I present Megan Fox’s Legs: The Movie’s poster! AKA Jennifer’s Body.

.....Yeah, I'd still hit it.

Can hatred ferment?

Because the more time that passes, the more I hate Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It’s pretty much gone into the realm of prejudice now. I can’t even remember half of the reasons I left the theatre so filled with vitriol, only the feeling of seething anger that boiled my blood at what was an affront to human sensibilities.

I’ve been holding back about my opinion, but damnit, no more. This movie can only be liked by the senseless, lacking of any standards (or even the understanding of what a standard is). I appreciate the basic, fundamental right for free speech, but damnit, I will not fight to the death for your right to say it in this case (thanks for that one, Mr. Ebert). And please don’t give me the “it’s just an action movie” shit. With movies like Dark Knight and Iron Man around, I know for a fact an action movie doesn’t have to be stupid, loud and pandering to be great.

If you liked the movie you are effectively retarded, and I make no apologies for making that pronouncement. I can only apologize to the actual mentally challenged because of all the Revenge of the Fallen fans giving them a bad name.

The fact that this movie is making so much fucking money must be making Mr. Madoff blush with embarassment, because this easily tops his scam.

Man, I feel really good getting that off of my chest.

Happy Canada Day!

This guy's got the right idea. Or he's having a seizure.

Happy Canada Day, y’all!

It’s like Independence Day, only that we didn’t have to go through any messy, patriotic war to get it. We asked nicely and after awhile Mother Britain got annoyed and just kicked us out.

To commemorate this most auspicious of occasions (the very important 142nd birthday), here’s a brief timeline of Canada for all you foreigners who may not know our history.

AKA everyone, including most Canadians.

A quick note: This list is definitive.

• 1497 – America has Columbus, we have John Cabot. A man who managed to get so lost he ended up in Newfoundland. He dies.
• 1500-1534 – Many European explorers discover the Maritime provinces. They, much like the provinces they discovered, do not matter.
• 1534 – Jacques Cartier plants the French flag to claim New France (Quebec). This was easy, as there were no enemies around to defeat him.
• 1535-1658 – Nothing of significant awesomeness happens besides a few lake discoveries and mass slaughter of beavers and Indians. Discovered beavers were actually worth something.
• 1658 – Opening of first girls school, the Apostolic Vicar of New France, in Montreal. This begins the long legacy of hot and sexually promiscuous Catholic school girls in this great nation.
• 1670 – The Hudson’s Bay Company is founded. This is of note because my little brother is currently banned from all HBC establishments for stealing an Oh Henry bar.
• 1671-1754 – I assume we lumberjacked while the rest of the world did stuff.
• 1755 – We expel those damned Acadians for not swearing the oath. Good riddance. I’m not exactly sure what an Acadian is, but they sound mystical, and things that are mystical are bad mojo, my bro.
• 1776 – While Mel Gibson was busy killing half the British army with a hatchet, Canada was busy stockpiling Loyalists to one day strike back after the British won. When that didn’t happen, they settled for making Upper Canada (Ontario).
• 1812 – Canada fights back those pesky Americans at Queenston Heights, forever (for now) ensuring Canadian sovereignty. Canada also burns down the White House, which we discovered was actually brown. America burned down half of Toronto in response. I think we won.
• 1832 – Cholera kills 10% of Quebec’s populace. There was no love during this time, just explosive diarrhea.
• 1837 – We actually had rebellions! Both were pathetic.
• 1846 – The first telegram is used between Toronto and Hamilton. It read “Hello Hamilton – STOP – Did you know you stink? – STOP.”
• 1864 – The first great conference dealing with confederation happens in Charlottetown. It seems there was much envy of the United States’ sovereignty and slaves. Britain didn’t allow poor Canada to have slaves, just indentured servants and impoverished Native Americans. Further delegations in Quebec concluded sovereignty by itself should suffice.
• 1867 – Canada asks Britain for confederacy. They say, “okay, whatever.” We take it as a great moral victory.
• 1868-2009 – A hanging of some French guy named Riel, a couple of World Wars, something about Vietnam and hockey happens. Currently viewed by the world as the Minnesota of America. Minnesota is just glad with being acknowledged at all, by anyone.

Ah, after the minimal research I did for this I feel empowered by history. Canada, truly the greatest nation to ever have a name rhyming with banana being mispronounced by a dyslexic.

Long live banana! Pronounced incorrectly.

Note: I just reread this in the morning and was it just me or did my grammar get hit with a brain aneurysm near the end of the article? The offenses have been fixed.

Apostolic Vicar of New France

2009 Emmy Predictions

Emmy season is right around the corner, with the official nomination announcements for the Primetime Emmys coming July 16th. Of all the awards shows, this is by far my favourite on the virtue of television being a far bigger part of my life than movies, video games or music. Of course, is also means it’s the most frustrating award seeing that I rarely see eye to eye with the winners and sometimes the picks.

Last year surprised me because of Alec Baldwin and Bryan Cranston’s deserved wins. I didn’t really expect it, but damnit I wanted them to make it. I was glad to see the judges weren’t all retarded chimps.

I know the actual awards ceremony isn’t on until September, but with most of the shows it’ll be focusing on over and done with I think we can all indulge in a bit of early speculation. Here are my personal predictions on the nominees and winners for the major categories.

Drama Series: I would think Lost was a shoe in for a nomination, but it’s heavy sci-fi flavour would definitely alienate a good deal of the voters. I would personally love to see Breaking Bad win but I doubt it’d even be nominated, so I’ll settle with AMC’s other big gun in Mad Men. Dexter definitely deserves a nomination for last season’s spectacular return to form and here’s hoping House gets some attention for a fantastic year. The critics seem to love Rescue Me, but my choice of winner? The fucking Shield. The final season was disturbingly, violently epic and deserves the kudos.

Lead Actor – Drama: It’d be kind of ridiculous if Bryan Cranston, last year’s winner, doesn’t at least get a nomination especially for an even better performance. I hear Gabriel Byrne was nice in In Treatment, but I haven’t seen it yet myself. Michael C. Hall, Michael Chiklis and John Hamm are signed and sealed as nominees, but the winner will in all likelihood be the always inexplicably snubbed Hugh Laurie. He’s won two Golden Globes but never an Emmy, so this has to be his year, especially after the best season of House in a long time.

Lead Actress – Drama: Kyra Sedgwick and Glenn Close are probably in for a two horse race this time around. Close was great in Damages and Sedgwick is a critical darling (I haven’t seen The Closer yet). The dark horse would be Anna Paquin for True Blood, but I’ve always thought her character was far and away the weakest aspect of a great show.

Comedy Series: The most predictable category, really. The Office and 30 Rock are a lock to be back, but seeing that both have won already I don’t know if their chances are good to repeat despite being the two funniest shows on TV. The Big Bang Theory probably has the biggest chance at winning by virtue of being the only other viable candidate even though How I Met Your Mother is by far the funnier multi-camera sitcom. For some reason, the Emmys hate Mother. The show I really want to see nominated is Chuck but there’s a snowball’s chance under Kristy Ally that happens.

Lead Actor – Comedy: Steve Carell will probably get a nomination for another outstanding year as indefensible, yet lovable, Michael Scott but really, who are we kidding? Alec Baldwin has this category locked down tighter than Fort Knox. Baldwin’s been a comedic tsunami since 30 Rock began and even if you don’t like the show, you like him.

Lead Actress – Comedy: You can say names like Poehler (she was good in a really crappy show), Ferrera, and Collette, but the only name you need to know is Fey. Hopefully another Emmy for Tina can propel 30 Rock with a much deserved ratings boost. Damn the show is funny.