Are you an Otaku? A definitive quiz.

March 16, 2010

Look in the mirror. And be honest now!

I think we have all asked ourselves this question at least once – am I gay? This is usually followed by imagining various naked specimens of our species and calculating how aroused, ie. hard/wet, we are. For more promiscuous individuals, experimentation takes place either after a drunken night or for an awesome T-shit and a necklace beads. For most of us this is just a passing concern and we move on with our lives, never telling another living soul the ordeal we just went through.

What does this have to do with being an Otaku? Not much, except as a loose and shoddily concocted analogy. That still doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Let’s look at the definition of otaku before moving on, shall we? Merriam-Webster has it as “a person who is obsessed with anime, manga, and Japanese culture in general.” The 56th definition of the word on the definitive online resource Urban Dictionary has it as “teh deliciously kickass wife of nero.” The former indicates an unhealthy fixation on drawn images of junior high school girls in various levels of undress. The latter, with perfect grammar, indicating you’re the wife of an Emperor that burnt a fuck ton of Christian babies alive.  You’re deliciously kickass, though, for what that’s worth.

Either way, it’s slightly unflattering.

So, how can you tell whether or not you’re an Otaku? By taking this painstakingly crafted, scientifically proven quiz of course! Or just go outside and play a sport or hit a pub and get pissed.

Remember, read through the quiz before answering!

Question the first!

If you had to describe your character, would you:

  • A) Defer the description to an anime/manga protagonist, and how you’d so “totally master the same jutsus.”
  • B) You would refer to a movie /TV or book character, only occasionally referring to anime.
  • C) Refer to a historical figure and how you’d “totally end the Civil War if [you] had the chance.” And you’d do it with Ichigo’s haircut, because it’s cool and not because you know who Kurosaki Ichig…
  • D) Actually describe personality traits and net income.

This is, like, sooo totally me!

Question the one after the first!

What would be the trait most desirable in your sexual partner:

  • A) He/she would be a mega-kawaii mega-tsundere. And mahou. If you chose this, you already know what those mean.
  • B) A lifeless, soulless, though still huggable sex doll/life size moe pillow/VCR player. That you can fuck.
  • C) She can’t be assertive, because you fear strong, independent women. Someone like Bella from the Twilight series would be nice. Only pretty.
  • D) You’d settle for smart and funny, and a superb knowledge of great wines.

Wash your fucking hair once in a while!

Question the thrice!

Where would you like to go on your honeymoon if you could go anywhere?

  • A) Obviously a trip to Konoha, with a pit stop at the Grandline on your way home.
  • B) Akihabara, with a side of maid and imouto cafes. An actual wife is optional.
  • C) A trip East. Japan is an option. Maybe a manga shop, if there’s time. And a maid cafe…just to, like, say I’ve done it.
  • D) Hawaii, and then backpack through Europe. Really live the world, y’know?

I didn't really want to go here. But it's an experience, y'know? Heh...heh.

Question the 4th!

What is your usual go to wardrobe?

  • A) An exact replica Asuka plug suit, despite me being a 320 pound male.
  • B) Just my super wicked awesome Haruhi fanny pack and soooo ironic “Shinji is Cool” T-shirt.
  • C) Jeans, jacket and maybe a relatively non-descript T-shirt that may or may not have Naruto images on it.
  • D) Whatever the people in The Real World are wearing.

See? It's not Naruto at all...

Question the something or other!

How would you battle evil cyborg ninjas that just kidnapped your 2 month old puppy?

  • A) You would create a fully functioning Gundam (or just steal the one they made in Tokyo and pimp that shit out), and tear the world asunder looking for Ayanami-chan.
  • B) You would so open a can of whoop ass only hundreds of hours of Dragonball and Hunter X Hunter can teach.
  • C) Try to trade that collection of animated features (like, totally not anime).
  • D) Call the fucking cops. I mean, evil cyborg ninjas just took your new pure-bred toy poodle! That thing cost you eight large!

Nobody fucks with my Ayanami-wawi-foo

Question the ninth!

If you only had three days to live, what’s #1 on your bucket list?

  • A) You would molest Hayao Miyazaki and profess your hidden pedophilic tendencies. Nobody is surprised.
  • B) Sneak into aforementioned Gundam in Japan and do nasty, filthy things inside.
  • C) Admit you may have watched an anime or forty, and cry into your life-sized moe pillow.
  • D) Air balloon. Around the world! Though unfortunately you die only three days into your trip.

I...don't recommend going inside there. ESPECIALLY the left arm.

Question the eixinth!

Of these phrases, which would best describe YOU?

  • A) Urusai!
  • B) Kakkoi!
  • C) I swear, I’m not that into this stuff.
  • D) Turtlenecks are fashionable and utilitarian!

Swank and warm, all at once!

Question the I never learned to count!

Who would you rather “do” – Suzumiya Haruhi, Ayanami Rei, or Ponyo.

  • A) Ponyo. In a heartbeat. Over and over and over again.
  • B) Tough, but you’d definitely go with Rei. Her emotionless features underlay a warmth not many see.
  • C) Well, if you had to choose, I guess Haruhi. Again, if those are the choices.
  • D) They’re cartoons, fer Chrissakes! You’d much rather “do” cocaine and prostitutes.

Consider that shit TAPPED!

Well, how did you do?

  1. If you mainly chose A, you are not only an Otaku, you have some serious mental health issues and are probably a registered sex offender. Or one waiting to happen. Look out your window. Do you see a preschool? Yeah? Do you feel tingly? Like, down there? Yeah, you should get some help. Or castrated.
  2. If you mainly chose B, you are the very definition of Otaku. Or at least the one from Merriam-Webster. Well, unless you really were married to Nero and were, like, awesome. Chances of reproduction are solely dependent on how many female otakus near you who would prefer male companionship over reading male on male yayoi.
  3. If you mainly chose C, you’re more or less normal, but you have to let the cat out of the bag. You are a closeted-Otaku. Now, you may be able to live your life happily, but is it true happiness when you’re rushing your Miyazaki Collectors DVDs into secret compartments before you have company over? Or feel the wrath of Catholic-level guilt every time you beat off to tentacle hentai? Give in! You’ll feel better after you do.
  4. If you mainly chose D, congratulations! You’re not an Otaku! Instead you’re just any other of the countless millions of pretentious yuppies infesting the world, drunk on reality TV while pretending you’re more important than the very thing you’re watching and deriving pleasure out of. In short, you are a douchebag.

Well, hey, you may be saying to yourself, “bullshit, there’s no way to win this!” Wrong again. The correct choice from the beginning is to have read through the entirety of the quiz before answering, like I told you to, reach this point and realize you dodged a bullet. The only correct way to finish an Otaku quiz is to not take one at all and live your life, you god damned conformist.

Cheers!

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The legendary journeys continue! Sort of.

March 14, 2010

   

Aaaaand I’m back. In a way. After not checking in on the site for a good 8 freaking months, I’ve noticed I’m STILL getting just as many visitors now as when I was updating everyday. Which just goes to show I really shouldn’t have tried so hard to begin with. Apparently no work is just as good as half-assed work.  

Which works for me! And provides a fantastic moral for my future grandchildren.  

But now that I’m finally settled into a new rythm in a foreign land (the exotic and erotically dangerous Japan. Or as the natives call it, “Bukkake”) I figured I have nothing better to do in my free time, other then crying and being lonely, so why not start this entire enterprise up again? This soul saddeningly unprofitable enterprise.  

I can’t guarantee the same standards as before but I assure everyone tha…who am I kidding? There weren’t any fucking standards to begin with. So, to get the ball rolling, here’s five facts I’ve learned about my new home, Bukkake. But I’ll use Japan for my fellow gaijins out there.  

1. Being awesome, made easy!  

Apparently everything will impress a Japanese person. I use chopsticks and everyone goes, “sugoi!” Which means, “bear my children.” Or something similar.  I say “arigatou” and everyone swoons over my mastery of their language. I later learned “arigatou” actually means “thank you” and not “where are your cheapest prostitutes”, but that’s neither here nor there. 

I tell of my magical homeland of Canada and our great, umm, trees and flat land and stuff and I’m practically made the new Ambassador of Awesome. Hell, I took a dump at a public restroom and they made a TV show called Tokyo Dogs out of it. And trust me, they painstakingly recreated my shit through that show. Man, it’s shitty.  

So I’m telling you, go to Japan and just do whatever the hell you want. Want to smack that homeless dude? Do it! Rob a sushi cart? Right on. Take candy from a baby? Go…well, not a lot of babies in Japan anymore, but I’m willing to bet you could. Not only will you not be arrested and deported, stories of your awesomeness will be told of through their oral tradition for centuries to come. I’m telling you!  

2. To there and back again. Eventually.  

Japanese roads are messed up. For all the wonders that Japan has given the world, from Nintendo to octopus pornography, they still don’t understand the concept of city planning. The roads are, for lack of a wittier analogy, like Amy Winehouse’s face – you don’t know what the fuck is up with it. I’m about 250 km away from Tokyo, and if this were any other country, that’s a 20 minute drive.  Probably.  

Here? I left in December and I’m still on the road. Hell, I think I made a wrong turn back in Narnia and now I’m somewhere called “New Jersey” and it’s fucking horrible. All I wanted was to go to a maid cafe, where I can be treated like a real man (you know, by average looking girls dressed in bright frilly costumes pretending to like you. As nature intended).  

Instead, I got this:  

  

3. English, motherfucker. Do you speak it?  

Apparently my Anglo-centric worldview was a tad off kilter. Apparently not everywhere in the world speaks perfect Canadian English, the most stoic of all Englishes (Englii?). Apparently Japan in particular speaks something called “Japanese”. At first I called the person who told me this, my fellow coworker Obata-san,  a dirty Satan fucking liar. But then I realized everyone around me WAS speaking non-English. It was like I got sent into the Twilight Zone and ended up in a land of humanoid llamas. Or something. Also apparent was the fact that I was here to be an English teacher. How the hell did that happen? The only English I’ve ever taught in my life was to get my little brothers and sister to say “cunt”.  

Life works in mysterious ways, eh?  

After discovering the existence of this new language, I claimed it as Bukkakanese outside of Japan’s borders. That’s copyrighted by the way, so step the fuck off Carlos Mencia. Then I discovered most everyone doesn’t know what the hell I’m saying when I’m screaming into a crying clerks face for ten minutes. All I wanted to know  was where the celery sticks were. I even tried the universally accepted method of speaking English loudly, slowly and more patronizingly. No go. I think she may have had downs syndrome or something.  

She then commited harakiri in shame. That was awkward. And I didn’t find out where the celery was. 

Oh, celery! Where art thou?

 

4. Can I have a side of stroke with that?  

In a land of such petite inhabitants, you’d think they’d also eat petite, pussified food. Well, you’d be right. I ‘medium’ drink here is about a midget American small, AKA how much little Donny sweats walking nine and a half feet down hill. Everything’s exceedingly small except when it comes to fast food burgers, which they love. If ever you thought Americans were the only people gorging themselves to a greasy, acne masked early death, you haven’t seen these Japanese exclusive burgers yet:  

No, seriously

Like, seriously, what the hell?

And massiv dhiarrhea.

Celebrating the human spirit!

*Siiiiiigh*

It's like a Big Mac, if the Big Mac had BALLS.

 5. Who needs LSD when you’re shooting up pure Japan?  

Have you ever heard the stereotype that Japan is a weird and colorful land of strangeness? Well, it’s all true. Every single last word of it is true. Absolutely so. It’s just like you imagined. In fact, the real thing is so depravedly sordid that your imagination had a hernia picturing it. I hardened myself before arriving at the onslaught of geekdom that would surely fuck my face once I step foot on Japanese soil. Like a facehugger from Aliens. Only kawaii

My preparations failed. 

Okay, I can handle this...

Just a little bit of baby eating. We've all done it from time to time...

Where else indeed?


Suzumiya Haruhi season 2 sucks. Horribly so.

July 17, 2009

Yay, I'm so pumped for a new Suzumiya.

Episode 2: Yay, I'm so pumped for a new Suzumiya.

I loved the original season of Suzumiya Haruhi with a passion. It still stands right up there with Fruits Basket as the best anime ever released (in my opinion, so don’t shout) but whatever the fuck KyoAni was smoking this season, they should get a refund. Then they should shoot their supplier.

I understand experimental film making (or, in this case, animation). I also understand that the overwhelming majority of the time experimental = shit. Unfortunately not even KyoAni can escape that imaginary, but I assure you very accurate, generalisation.

This has been an absolute fucking disaster in every fucking way. Fuck. I don’t usually swear this fucking much but I am fucking mad. I hope you can forgive my fucking language for a little while longer.

FUCK.

Oh, we're doing one of THESE stories? Cool.

Episode 3: Oh, we're doing one of THESE stories? Cool.

It’s pretty much a groundhogs day storyline, except most sci-fi television shows and/or movies know when enough is enough. Usually it involves the characters becoming self aware fairly early on, have fun with the situation (doing crazy things they wouldn’t normally), and then everything is fixed in a timely ONE EPISODE manner.

Suzumiya Haruhi? They just reached episode 5 of this motherfucking arc, every character is still stuck exactly in the same situation and nobody is any closer to an assraping resolution. Nobody even tries to have any fun with the situation. They just do the exact same thing every episode. What’s really frustrating is the “mysterious” solution to this time warping conundrum is about as subtle as a brick to your jaw. And then a steel toed boot for good measure.

I figured out the second goddamned episode Haruhi probably wants to do her fucking homework but do any of the other characters realize this? Of course not. Maybe Nagato does but she doesn’t talk. I’m not positive this is the answer but I’ll eat crow if it isn’t. I don’t think the show could’ve telegraphed this fucker anymore clearly.

The show had gone from one of the smartest animated series to braindead dumb.

Are you fucking serious?

Episode 4: Are you fucking serious?

You know what’s especially exasperating? I just watched episode 2-5 of the new season back to back and it was bar none the most annoying experience I’ve ever had with anime. I can’t even imagine the suffering fans have gone through watching the show real time. For me it was a kin to a scraping chalkboard, only in concert with ten others, and repeated three times now.

I mean, what kind of retarded chimp logic goes into something like this? Budget saving? Nope, there’s new animation every episode. Good story telling? Uh, read the last few paragraphs. The only thing I can think of is that this is a deliberate move on KyoAni’s part to alienate every one of their fans and bankrupt themselves in the process.

Well congratu-fucking-lations you dick suckers, you’re well on your way. I won’t be buying season 2 on DVD when it comes here. Not with this shit happening. This is bad story telling and a minor act of torture rolled up into one.

Episode 5: Yes, you fucking are.

Episode 5: Yes, you fucking are.

And if you actually defend this crap? Well fuck you too. Here’s a friendly suggestion to anyone who hasn’t suffered this yet: If episode 6 is (if there’s a god) the conclusion, watch episode 2 and 3 and just skip to 6. Episode 4 and 5 are absolutely superfluous and add NOTHING except the characters in different yukatas and swimsuits for about 3 minutes.

If the next episode isn’t the end (and I have a nagging suspicion it isn’t) then this will officially be the biggest waste of a gigantic anime budget I’ve ever witnessed. In a way, it’s rather brave seeing that KyoAni is daring enough to shit diarrhea into the faces of their loyal (me included) fans in such a shitty economy (see what I did there?).

I guess it can be historic for that.

Poor Nagato. You deserve to be in a better show right now.

NOTE: I apologize for the “fuck you too” comment. Just a bit emotional here. But you have to admit, it’s hard to defend.


Manga Spotlight – Yakitate!! Japan

May 30, 2009
She can Tsukino me any day.

She can Tsukino me any day.

Probably the funniest manga I’ve ever read, Yakitate!! Japan is essentially a shounen gag manga about baking with a focus on puns. Yeeeeaaaah. Even the title is a pun, with the “pan” in “Japan” meaning bread in Japanese. The protagonist, Kazuma Azuma, strives to create the perfect “Ja-pan”, Japanese bread, that the world will recognize. Why? In prototypical shounen fashion, he meets a man when he’s younger that turns him towards the surprisingly cut throat and deadly world of world class bread making.

Despite a somewhat ludicrous plot, this is one badass series. It’s not everyday that you get a really exciting shounen series that also serves as one of the best comedies, too. I never knew making a croissant could be so riveting and laugh out loud funny. I’m not kidding. I audibly laugh nearly every chapter at the absurdity of the proceedings. Besides the breakneck bread baking (see what I did there?), the series infuses some of the most ludicrous and outrageous humour I’ve ever witnessed. Though starting off rather innocuously the humour, and one suspects mangaka Takashi Hashiguchi’s sanity,  dives deeper and deeper into ridiculousness.

And it works. It worked so great that what was originally scheduled as a five week miniseries was expanded into 26 volumes.

Read the rest of this entry »


Suzumiya Haruhi’s 2nd season is out…

May 26, 2009

Suzumiya-Haruhi-01

So what the hell are you waiting for? It’s funny, it’s awesome, it’s Suzumiya fucking Haruhi. Go get it.

Well, it actually came out last week but I’ve only had enough time recently to actually watch it. I forgot how enjoyable a good anime can be, what with 95% of every anime season being absolute shit.


Manga Spotlight – Liar Game

May 20, 2009

Liar Game 1I was this close to doing 20th Century Boys this week, but I figured why blow my load on my favourite manga so early? Instead, I’m going a tad bit obscure this time around, focusing on a series no one I know has ever heard of, let alone reads. Which is unfortunate because Shinobu Kaitani’s Liar Game is one of the more intellectually entertaining series in the manga market right now. What Liar Game is, is a shounen manga without magical powers or ancient ninja techniques. It’s about an entirely different kind of battle – one of intellect. One where wit and cunning plays a far greater part than brawn or chakra.

And no, it’s not as dorkishly nerdy as that sounded out loud. The series is about Nao Kanzaki, an inherently honest and timid person, who gets embroiled in something called the Liar Game Tourament. Essentially a game set up by forces unknown to exploit the worse in human nature (short of murder), she finds out that if she were to lose she’d be 100 million yen in debt. She enlists the help of expert on man Shinichi Akiyama for help when she inevitably loses that 100 million yen. From there, they get deeper and deeper into the tournament, dead set on freeing everyone from debt along the way.

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Manga Spotlight : Yotsubato!

May 14, 2009

Yotsubato_amaiSimilar to my weekly comic spotlight, I want to take some time to write about a given manga series I don’t think is getting the attention is deserves, or if I just enjoy the hell out of it. Yotsubato! firmly falls into both of those camps.

I was debating whether or not to make my inaugural post about something more manly, what with me being the perfect male otaku/geek specimen at only 15 lbs overweight, but then I decided my site’s already overflowing with testosterone.

Like Manny Ramirez.

Yotsubato!, translated as “Yotsuba and,” has no mystical ninjas, emo death gods, pirates, monsters, blood, or general angst. What it has, in spades, is charm. So much charm one can say it’s fucking disgusting. One would also be a little retarded in the head. About a little girl, her dad, and her neighbours, it doesn’t get much simpler than this. Each chapter focuses on her experiencing something new. There aren’t any amazing plot twists or deceiving red herrings.

She finds something interesting to do, and the story tells how she goes about doing it recklessly. You laugh. Period.

yotsKyohiko Azuma doesn’t stray too far from the humour of his previous work, Azumanga. But instead of short vignettes, Yotsubato! expands those to chapter long stories that are amusing the entire way through. The gut busting laughs are kept relatively minimal, but almost every panel you’ll have a big ass grin on your face. The art is generally solid, and the way things are composed elicit maximum humour out of the reader. You can tell Azuma’s a master at taking advantage of every single panel.

So, if you haven’t read this manga yet and consider yourself an otaku, why the hell not? Sometimes you need to take a step back from the Narutos or One Pieces or hentai and just sit back, relax and enjoy a little slice of life. Also, why the hell hasn’t this gotten an anime deal yet? 95% of every anime season is complete and utter garbage. The very worse of what TV has to offer in any country.

Can you honestly say ostrich shit like Queen’s Blade or Tayutama deserve a TV show over this?