Just caught the first 10 minutes of Paris Hiltons BFF show…

June 11, 2009
We are all dumber for this

We are all dumber for this

…and I’m more retarded for it. The human race is more retarded for it. How this show exists and why people watch it boggles my mind. I’m also to believe this is the second season of Paris Hilton’s My New BFF which only depresses me even more.

Is it because Paris is hot? Because she’s one ugly person, both physically and mentally. I mean I get more turned on looking at fungus growing on a tree than I do Paris Hilton. Is it because she lives a glamorous lifestyle? Because all I see is a drug and alcohol filled stupor and venereal disease.

I get celebutantes and our fascination for them. Here are famous people that most others have nothing better to do than live vicariously through. Hell, I do that with George Clooney all the time. But I think there needs to be a differentiation between someone who is interesting, smart and glamorous and someone who is, well, Paris fucking Hilton. Kristen Stewart, despite her constantly greased up appearance and stoner eyes, at least worked her way to her position through quality acting and dedication. Hell, even Lindsey Lohan had to work for what she eventually pissed away. Paris Hilton was born with a silver spoon up her vagina and has a penchant for videotaped sex. She is a drunk, skanky, addict and really has very few redeeming qualities as a human being.

And yet millions of people watch her show weekly, and not just for ironic purposes (like I attempted and failed at doing) but because they legitimately adore Paris Hilton! Because they strive to be her! Because Paris Hilton is a role model. No wonder there are so many bitchy 16 year olds wanting Super Sweet 16s.

I really don’t blame the people. People are easily manipulated into wanting anything. Hell, I swerved on a street after seeing a billboard for Bud Light Lime so I can get to the Beer Store, and it sucked. But honestly, is there some kind of subliminal message being distributed around all the gossip rags and TMZs and Perez Hiltons forcing people to pay attention to Paris fucking Hilton? Because unlike a Bud Light Lime, Paris Hilton is an affront to human kind and all things decent.

As for the show – what..the..fuck? Paris Hilton picks friends on a reality show? There are actually people willing to humiliate themselves to be Paris Hilton’s fake best friend for a year? And I mean really want it? Because from what I can tell there isn’t a cash incentive for the lunacy, just a real desire to be close to their idol. It’s like watching an emotional snuff film.

I firmly believe this show has put humanity, and especially women, back a good century of advancement.

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Lost finale…WATCH IT

May 13, 2009

lost-20cast

Saying its been one crazy fucking season would put it lightly. Lost went from the mysterious “what the hell’s happening show” to the mysterious “it’s a fucking time travelling show?”

And damn if it hasn’t been a fun ride. It’s probably handled the sensitive matter of time travel better than any science fiction show has, setting up concrete rules that it has yet to break and that makes sense with the continuity, to an extent, of the previous seasons. You can’t change the past, and that’s that. No matter what you do, what happened, happened. A simple solution to the Grandfather paradox. You can’t kill the grandfther, or in this case Benjamin Linus, in the past because he’s alive in the present.

It’ll be tonight’s 2 hour finale that sees if what has so far been a steady adherence to the ‘rules’ of time travel unravels or not. With what’s happened so far, I doubt Jack will succeed in his plans to blow up the island before they had ever crashed there, therefore undoing everything. One, because that would be the biggest fucking cop out in TV history and two, there’s still one more season.

Whatever happens, this is going to be one crazy episode. If you haven’t yet, you have have roughly five hours to catch up on the season. Wikipedia helps.


The 3 Best Shows Nobody’s Watching

April 21, 2009

I think everyone who’s ever watched TV has had this experience – they discover a show they absolutely adore. Everything about it rings true – the acting is solid, the story is fantastic, etc. Then they discover they’re the only one amongst those they know that watches the show. For some reason it just doesn’t capture the collective psyche like Lost or The Mentalist. Even more disheartening is when they find out the show is getting middling to terrible ratings and it is, more or less, inevitable that the show will be cancelled.

Well, these are my three personal picks of absolutely riveting shows that the vast majority of TV viewers couldn’t give less of a damn about. Surprisingly none of them are in danger of cancellation (thank God for smaller networks knowing quality matters just as much as ratings).

This is why the tortoise won.

This is why the tortoise won.

Breaking Bad

Just look at that image to the left. That is why I love this show, and the show isn’t even about stuff like that happening! Okay, a lot of messed up situations occur (melting a body with acid being a particularly vivid scenario) but what’s so great about the show is that it’s the characters and dialogue that make it all worth watching.

Bryan Cranston plays Walter White, a low paid high school chemistry teacher who needs a job on the side to make ends meet. When he finds out he has terminal cancer, he decides to do what all rational men of his ilk do – become the next crystal meth tycoon of Albuquerque. Okay, it happens a hell of a lot more naturally than that, and it involves getting together with a former student named Jesse Pinkman.

Did I mention he has a disabled son, a balloon of a pregnant wife and a brother in law who’s also a DEA agent? Shit happens in this show, and the tension level is kept at a near break neck pace throughout. And amazingly, each episode moves like molasses, just letting the viewers absorb every detail before the next “holy fuck” moment strikes.

At only a million viewers weekly, Breaking Bad definitely benefited from being on AMC, where prestige matters more than anything. How else can you explain shows like this and Mad Men getting renewed? It’s not because AMC is raking in the Benjamins.

I dare you not to love Jason Street.

I dare you not to love Jason Street.

Friday Night Lights

Forget that this show is an adaptation of a movie. Forget that it’s even about football. The drama on the field is only a byproduct of what this show gives the viewer – realistic human drama and an entertaining depiction of small town football fanaticism. Now, I’ve never lived in a small football town, but it sure feels like this show’s gotten it all right, with boosters manipulating the show and every store shutting down on game night (it’s Friday, by the way). You really feel like you know the Taylors, the Streets, the Garreties.

I honestly didn’t think this series would survive after the horrific second season, where the show more or less forgot why the first season was so perfect. Hell, it had a fucking murder subplot! The shark didn’t even know what jumped it. Plus, the ratings continued to decline and no money grubbing network could justify keeping the show alive.

And then came DirecTV. Ironing out an unlikely deal with NBC, they created a shortened 13 episode season three that is every bit as engrossing as the first. All but forgetting the second season ever existed, it showed what the show was best at – the life in a small town and the dreams and heart breaks that come with that.

I know the ads and commercials make this look like CW shit (except Supernatural. That’s a damn good show), but any person who likes a good, solid, story with relatable characters and realistic drama will adore this. And please, if you do check it out and like it, tell more people to watch it! The show got nearly non-existent ratings when it aired on NBC, so it goes without saying that my jaw was slacked when it was announced the show got not only one more season, but two. In a capitalist market, there really is no justification for this show’s continuing existence. Luckily, there are some executives out there who know a good thing when they it.

Are we sick and depraved for loving Dexter Morgan this much?

Are we sick and depraved for loving Dexter Morgan this much?

Dexter

I know, I know, some of you reading this may think its a stretch to put such a ‘popular’ show on here, but when you realize its highest rating was 1.51 million (for the season 3 finale), in the overall scheme of television viewing, that’s barely a percentage of viewers. I also know that with shows on cable, everything’s relative and I know 1.51 million is more than enough for a renewal on Showtime, but again, I’m not looking at things relatively.

At this point, Dexter is essentially ingrained into the television culture. Almost everybody knows what Dexter is. May have even caught an episode or two, but the overwhelming majority of viewers simply don’t watch the show. They hear of its concept from a third party, from websites raving for it, from the occasional diehard fan of a friend. But no, they don’t watch it themselves.

They hear the concept of a serial killer hero and they think, “hey, that’s pretty cool. I’ll definitely check it out.” Obviously from the ratings, no they are not. And I understand the underlying concept is disturbing to say the least, and may indeed offend a great many morals, but the one thing the show isn’t is sleazy. It’s not subversive in any way, shape or form. It’s simply a very well written drama about a serial killer trying to hold back his urges by channeling it for good rather than evil. It’s great stuff, and aside from a very weak season 2 (is this like a trend?) the show is nail biting and fascinating.

And yet, nobody actually watches it.

I know I’m probably leaving off one of your favourite shows nobody watches, but I told myself – no, Sang, just do three. You’ll go on forever if you try to do more. There were plenty of other candidates – Chuck, Damages, Mad Men, etc – but this is already a thousand freaking words. If you actually read this far, my hats (I have multiple) off to you. Don’t be shy mentioning your personal favourite show that seemingly nobody is watching.

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Oh God, they’re coming for Canada!

April 18, 2009
"Gee whiz, we sure are gonna fuck this place up!"

"Gee whiz, we sure are gonna fuck this place up!"

Well, news just broke that the Jonas Brothers are coming to Canada as Disney’s preemptive strike against this fair nation (oh, right, I’m Canadian). I had already written about the horrors the Cult of Disney have wrought and I knew the day the bastards come for us would eventually arise, but to actually hear the news…It’s soul crushing to say the least.

They’ll be hosting this year’s MMVA (aka the homeless man’s MTV Video Music Awards) on June 21 in Toronto, which will coincide with their world tour. A tour that will have seven Canadian stops.

Oh the agony.

I guess this is it. What more can I say? Come together with your loved ones, eat, pray, do whatever. Just…just be together. Be there as the anchor for one another’s inevitable mental breakdown and pandemonium. The Fantasiastical Disney Apocalypse is on our collective door steps, Canada, and we’re powerless under its pop tune infused, sugar coated orgy of mediocrity and innuendos.

Just look into Kevin Jonas’ eyes and you will know true evil.

"I love the taste of fresh babies in the morning."

"I love the taste of fresh babies in the morning."


10 Ways to Resurrect Heroes

April 15, 2009
Remember when you gave a damn about these characters?

Remember when you gave a damn about these characters?

I know, I already wrote a long winded article about Heroes, but looking back on it maybe I was too much of a Debbie Downer. So instead of a constant flow of bitching, let’s look at what Heroes needs to fix to get back in the game. So, in no particular order, here’s what needs to happen.

1. REMEMBER THE PAST! I can’t remember another show where things get retconned mid-season because writers put themselves into a corner they couldn’t escape from logically. Sylar already knowing Elle, Mohinder’s dad had a role in creating The Company, Hiro never, ever, maturing. There’s plenty more.

2. Use a new threat! It’s been Sylar, essentially, going on three seasons now! Hell, it turns out season 3’s threat was just season 1’s threat all over again. We get it, Sylar’s a bad dude. Either do something new with the character, or find a way to kill him already.

3. Stop trying to be important. Characters just say things that sound important, but when you think about it nothing conclusive is ever said. This just makes dialogue in the series too self-important for its own good.

These was cool. Once.

These was cool. Once.

4. Stop looking into the future! Season one, Isaac paints an explosion – FROM THE FUTURE! That was cool. Season 2, Peter goes to a bleak, virus filled future. Okay, that’s alright. I guess. Season 3 (Volume 3), Peter goes to a bleak, mutant filled future that blows up. Uh huh. Season 3 (Volume 4), Matt Parkman paints an explosion. Fuck you Heroes.

(Side Note: If you must keep future paintings, why the hell does it all look like generic comic book crap? Isaac was understandable because he was a comic book artist, but for Peter, Matt, and a random guy in Africa to paint the exact same way? C’mon.)

5. Give Hiro and Peter back their full powers. I understand the writers fearing that they made two characters who were too powerful, but by gimping them they made the two fan-favourite characters into little whiny bitches. Not a fair trade off if you ask me.

I'm feisty and bitchy. That means I'm adorable, right?

I'm feisty and bitchy. That means I'm adorable, right?

6. Give Claire some personality, or just kill her off. Save the cheerleader, save the world, yadda, yadda, yadda. I get it. But guess what? Through all the retconning, her importance has been reduced to nil and all that’s left is whining and moping and pouting and…GAH, just do something with her. She’s getting more screen time than most, and she’s given nothing to do.

7. Real stakes. So far, none of the main characters have died. Nathan kind of died, twice, but not really. Start having some balls and kill off a character or two. Not for shock value (though there certainly will be some), but to just show that these characters actually inhabit a real and dangerous world, and like real life, shit can happen to anyone.

8. Cut back on the action sequences. I know lack of action was the chief complaint of the first season, but by increasing the adrenaline these last two years Heroes’ revealed it’s biggest weakness – too small a budget to have anything good happen. The fights either last two seconds, or look horrifically mediocre. Go back to character drama.

9. Bring logic back onto the show. Characters have been doing things more random than ever and decisions being made are getting stupider. Have people react like real people would react. How is a samurai trained Hiro knocked out by Daphne (and everyone else)? Why doesn’t Micah just shut down every government network hunting mutants? Why doesn’t Sylar just kill Danko now that he can shapeshift? The list goes on.

10. Let Bryan Fuller do whatever the hell he wants. Wonderfalls and Pushing Daisies were fantastically whimsical character dramas/comedies that pushed all the right buttons. Let him bring that sensibility back to Heroes.


TV Season Thus Far…

April 6, 2009
See the background? We used to call that Chicago before "he" happened.

See the background? We used to call that Chicago before "he" happened.

It’s been one topsy turvy TV season, and instead of waiting until it’s over, I’d rather come prematurely…with my thoughts on the series’ thus far.  I have nothing better to do, and for all intents and purposes, my current opinion of these shows probably won’t change with the hand full of episodes they have left. I’ll (probably) update this article when the television season’s over and done with.

So, without further ado, and in no particular order (though I could’ve conceivably done it alphabetically rather easily) :

24 Season 7

We have a backwater African nation taking over airplanes with a mythical super device that looks like a toaster, we have the same African nation’s dictator trying to kill the President, and we now have US companies trying to kill EVERYBODY. Yep, this is 24.

And I’ve been loving it every bit. Jack Bauer’s been doing exactly what we love him for – wanton brutality. If there is a sore spot, it’s been the new tertiary characters. People like Garofalo’s Janice and the bitch/douche/whore of a first daughter really slow things down whenever their onscreen. But then again, whenever we’re not seeing Jack dismembering someone, everything’s relatively slow.

Rating: 24/10 – Did you honestly think I could’ve resisted this?

Lost Season 5

Lost has made possibly the gutsiest move in television history. It went from a supernatural, freaky, myserious serial that millions loved, and essentially became and outright hardcore science fiction show. Time travel, baby. That’s what I’m talking about. And the show has been magnificent because of it. Though I miss the flashback’s, what else can be explored with these characters? Do we REALLY need to see any more daddy issues on the show? It seems every character has a shitty dad.

Rating: 7.5/10 – I’m lost for a summation (you can tell by now I can’t resist the obvious).

Heroes Season 3: Volume 3 and 4

I already wrote a lengthy article of how I feel about heroes. It’s two posts down.

Rating: -3/10 – Trying to warn people about this atrocity makes me a far greater hero than anyone on the show.

House M.D.

I’ve been a sucker for this series since the beginning. Gregory House is probably the best non-Bauer character on TV right now. He’s not even that dick that you know has a heart under his rocky exterior. He’s just an outright douchebag extraordinaire, and that’s what makes him so tantalizing. That’s why House puts to shame the drvel that is Grey’s Anatomy and what used to be E.R. This season hasn’t been stand out, but an average House season is still 9,298 times better than the last two seasons of Heroes.

Rating: 7/10 – Humanity is overrated.

I wished all blood splatter analysts were this awesome.

I wished all blood splatter analysts were this awesome.

Dexter Season 3

After last season’s annoying clingy bitch from rehab arc, Dexter was back in fine form this season. Back to the killing and tense drama we loved the show for. Miguel as Dexter’s “first friend” was an inspired move, but who’s kidding – did anyone actually think a duo of serial killing amigos would ever last more than six or seven episodes?

I also liked where they left the show. Rita’s about to have little Dexter and everything seems bright for Dexter’s future. Which is all very tantalizing as we all know how al of that’s going to go.

Rating: 8/10 – Definitely a step up, but still not as great as the first season.

Battlestar Galactica Final Season

And it all ends not with a bang, but a contrived whimper. The last half of the season was really all over the place. And in the end, it all kind of peters out as they find our Earth and start all over again. *Gasp* That means we’re all Cylons, right? I knew Boomer looked like my grandmother. Great final space battle though. This show probably has the best choreographed and filmed space battles in any television show or movie ever. They’re just so damned intense. Unfortunately, there was only one this season.

Rating: 6/10 – Hey, THAT’S why pyramids exist all over the wor*barf*.

Mad Men

This series made me pick up smoking…in my head. But man, I was this close (I’m currently putting my index finger and thumb this close together [this means approximately 2 mms]). I’d say Mad Men is an acquired taste, but if you had acquired it like I and a million other guys did, you were thoroughly satisfied with this season.

Rating: 7.5/10 – He looks like a cartoon pilot! (Geek points for pointing out that reference)

You don't mess with Walter Fucking White

You don't mess with Walter Fucking White

Breaking Bad

A little watched, but thoroughly awesome AMC show. Man, do all the good shows go to that channel nowadays? They’ve got Breaking Bad and Mad Men, two perennial Emmy winners and what does HBO have? True Blood? If you’ve never seen Breaking Bad, go out right now and rent/but the first season right now. I’ll wait.

Back? Now watch it, it’s only seven episodes. I’ll wait again…Done? Good. Now you’re a man. Season 2’sso far been just as great.

Rating: 9/10 – Bryan Cranston is a badass? Almost as badass as Dakota Fanning, even! Who would’ve thunk it?

Well, that does it for the “TV Season Thus Far…” article. I’m sure I’m missing a few shows worth mentioning, but I’ll include those in my more conclusive “TV Season” article.


The Rise and Fall of Heroes

April 2, 2009
heroes_cast

I thought you guys were cool. What the hell happened?

When Heroes hit back in 2006, it introduced itself like a right hook to your supple jaw line. After being stunned for a few moments – or dead – you realized, “holy crap, what the fuck man?”

And then you’d realize, “holy crap, this show is awesome!”

The show was so damned good. It introduced characters that we (I assume we all watch the show) cared about. Peter, the male nurse with a weird mouth who also happens to be an ability absorbing badass. Hiro, the geeky Japanese office worker with a billionaire father (because that’s realism, duh) who has the ability to manipulate time and carry a sword at some indeterminate spot in the future. Claire, the show’s Wolverine, only taller, blonder, and sassiness in place of eviscerating claws. Nathan the flying man, Matt the psychic man, Micah the boy wonder, Isaac painting big explosions, and Mohinder the, uh, Indian.

Then there was Sylar. The enigmatic Big Bad running around cutting people’s scalps off. Even after he was caught and you found out he was some watch repairing douchebag, he was still menacing s hell.

So much greatness, and for whatever reason the producers and writers all got in a room, ordered some Quizno’s, and decided that yep, we’re done writing quality shit now that season one’s over.

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