A Definitive Lost Timeline (through the fragility of a suspect memory)

Spoiler: Many of these people are currently dead.

I can’t say I have the greatest memory in the world (it took me most of my formative years to learn the alphabet. Longer to learn love). In fact, most everything I do should be forgotten. But, wait, what was I doing?

Oh yes, Lost. Undoubtedly one of the greatest shows of the last decade. Even if you never got into it, or for whatever insane reason never liked it, you have to admit it’s entered the public consciousness like no show since Married…with Children. Even your Alzheimered grandfather has heard of the “Island”, even when he mistakens you for “that God damned no good grandson who stole [his] meds and is actively trying to murder [him] for his life insurance.”

*Sigh* Alzheimer – the only true terrorist. Kills the mind and any credibility that goes along with it.

The Notebook, the only Alzheimer related movie you'll ever need to forget.

Again, what the hell was I talking about? Oh, of course. Glee. Now, like I was saying, no other show has stormed out of the gate and gripped the publ…wait, what? I was talking about Lost? Why the hell would I…oh, right, I liked that show. Wait, really? Okay, I guess so. Thanks voice in the back of my mind that tells me to “let go”.

So, Lost, a truly seminal piece of pop entertainment. Serialized fiction that TV had almost forgotten how to do right. So good was it that it spawned an entire wave of wannabe serials, that all promptly failed in major and hilariously forgettable ways. Anyone remember Invasion? No? Hilarious, right?

Invading the bargain bins near you!

So in honour of Lost‘s final season of fucking with everyone’s minds, let’s compile the entirety of the show’s major plot points, collated from a fan’s suspect memory and absolute lack of Wikipedia utilization. If you’ve ever felt lost (I can’t believe I just did that), here’s the perfect guide for you to, well, read. Though I’d suggest Wikipedia afterwards.

  • 2004 (or was it 2005?): Oceanic 815, carrying about a dozen memorable human beings and a bunch of human beings of no apparent worth, takes off from Australia towards LAX.
  • 2004, still: Plane crashes on a pristine beach. Some of the worthless people die. Memorable, and quite attractive, people live. One bald guy named Locke apparently included in this bunch.
  • Sometime later: Realized, wait for it, they’re not alone! Trees move menacingly, polar bears attack confusingly, and flashbacks flash..ingly. Oh, and Sayid tortures the shit out of Sawyer. I don’t remember for what.
  • Later still, and a bit of death: Lots of stuff dealing with death happens. Jack’s dad is apparently alive again in spooky ghost form, Boone dies in a plane relate accident and becomes a corpse, and Ethan get’s whacked by a hobbit. All things considered, Ethan went out like a bitch.
  • Even later, but not too late. The unpossible! Walt’s son supposedly has powers but he’ll disappear later in the show and this plotline is dropped forever. There’s a smoke monster that still isn’t really explained, despite having been revealed. A hatch is discovered, B&E promptly engaged.
  • It’s been about a month now: Attractive survivors open hatch, chase the Australian dude out, and claim it for themselves. Locke is still considered amongst this group. Rest of survivors not told about this magical hatch with running water and massive amounts of supplies. Also, hatch has an old computer where magical numbers must be input or stuff happens. Magical numbers also have something to do with everything, or not.
  • Over a month now: Oh right, there were “Others” on this island, but we don’t know them yet. Also, the tail end of the plane somehow carried survivors amongst whom is the feisty Michelle Rodriquez playing a feisty Mexican chick. Everyone from the tail end will die, save for the old white dude.
  • Stuff happens
  • Sometime later: Every person not given title credits either dies, disappears, or disappeared to die somewhere.
  • Benjamin Linus: After capturing a harmless looking fella’, it’s revealed he’s the leader of the Others! Great Gatsby! He’ll go on to become the show’s greatest contribution to society. Not sure how, but I’m positive it’ll be revealed in due time.
  • Big ass foot: Not sure if we saw the big ass foot now or earlier on in the show. Well, it’s big and only has four toes. Will continue to baffle viewers until the second last season, at which point nobody gives a fuck anymore.
  • After that: Huzzah! A second island crawling with Others. Jack, Kate and Sawyer are captured by Ben and Friends and sent here while Michael sails off to be exploded later. What a douchebag.
  • Some more stuff happens.
  • Existential angst happens.
  • We have to go back!
  • A giant, inexplicable wheel: After some more stuff happening in which most characters suffer existential angst (and, well, six of them actually got off the island), Ben turns a big flipping wheel and the show is now suddenly Quantum Leap, if Quantum Leap took place solely in Hawaii and took itself way too seriously.
  • Time surfing: The remaining survivors on the island leap through time, solving nobody’s problems along the way.
  • Fat boy: Jack decides to follow through a freshly deceased Daniel Faraday’s plans to ignite a nuclear bomb, only in the past and therefore changing, wait for it, the future. They succeed in igniting the blast.
  • The gang comes together to win sectionals , despite the machinations of the malevolent Sue Sylvester.

And so begins the final season of Lost...

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3 Responses to A Definitive Lost Timeline (through the fragility of a suspect memory)

  1. Good to see you’re finally back. I now have my own place and also finally have broadband internet. Woo!

  2. Wait, you’re not back. fuck. Come back damn it!

  3. Download Skyrim…

    […]A Definitive Lost Timeline (through the fragility of a suspect memory) « GEEKSPLOIT ( Geek + sploit’ ) : Where geeks come to die…[…]…

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