Random Matchups: Wolverine vs. Batman

March 22, 2010

Introducing a new regular (that was a lie) segment where whatever random matchup that dominates my mindset on any given day gets a platform to shine! Or to not make any sense. Whatever the case may be, I’ve got nothing else fer ya.

To inaugurate this most prestigious occasion, in which I’m not quite sure what prestigious means, let’s pit two of the most popular heroes from Marvel and DC’s pantheon in a head to head death match, to the death.

In the Yellow and Brown corner is…Wolverine!

  • Name: Wolverine AKA Logan AKA James Howlett AKA The short dude who says bub a lot AKA Wayne Gretzky.
  • Age: Old enough to be Larry King’s grandson.
  • Height: Extremely short, unless an artist forgets this. In which case he’s about 7’4.
  • Powers: Mutant healing factor making him immortal. Adamantium claws making him essentially a robot. Fierce scowl making him America’s next top model.
  • Pros: Tears people apart for little to no reason. Can never die, and has kicked Death’s ass for trying. Expert martial artist, who has such a fierce scowl.
  • Cons: Extremely short, emotional, and Canadian.

And in the Black and Gray corner is…Batman!

  • Name: Batman AKA ‘The’ Batman AKA Bruce Wayne AKA Matches Malone AKA Did you not read the last one?
  • Age: Eternally mid-30’s.
  • Height: Whatever Superman’s height it.
  • Powers: Can do, like, so many push-ups. A world class detective. Has the uncanny ability to have planned for every contingency, no matter how many random coincidences come up. A fierce scowl making him Wolverine’s #1 rival.
  • Pros: Is practically clairvoyant. Can do sit-ups. Kind of a jackass, but has a heart of gold (just like House!). Can do a roundhouse kick with the best of ’em. Shit ton of money. Scowl, baby.
  • Cons: Possibly a pedophile. Just a dude who works out, really. Is currently stuck in time, like Scott Bakula and last season of Lost.

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Natalie Portman as Jane Foster in Thor

July 13, 2009
You can nurse me anytime.

You can nurse me anytime.

Earlier today Marvel extravagantly announced Natalie Preteen Assassin Portman will be playing Thor’s human love interest Jane Foster, which is weird because I had thought this was going to be a more Norse-centric story.

I guess I was wrong.

I’m a fan of Portman’s earlier work. Well, I was a fan of her in Leon The Professional. Well, I liked Jean Reno. And she was standing next to him a lot, so I guess I liked her second hand. Don’t much like her work elsewhere (Star Wars prequels and whatever the hell else she’s been in), but she sure is pretty and nurse-like, I guess.

Portman’s starring opposite Chris Hemsworth, who many won’t know as Kirk’s suiciding father in Star Trek. I guess that first five minutes was strong enough to land him a role in a $100+ (BIG ‘+’) million potential blockbuster. I’m still not quite sure if the movie has the same legs as Marvel’s Iron Man or X-Men, what with it being about Asgardian gods dressed in fancy outfits saying “thee” and “thou” and “wiggeshnicker” (okay, maybe not that one).

Writes Marvel of the story – “At the center of the story is The Mighty Thor, a powerful but arrogant warrior whose reckless actions reignite an ancient war. Thor is cast down to Earth and forced to live among humans as punishment. Once here, Thor learns what it takes to be a true hero when the most dangerous villain of his world sends the darkest forces of Asgard to invade Earth.”

Sounds very…iffy. Still, I love the character in the comics and at the very least diehard fans will come out in droves to see this.

Also iffy is Kenneth Branagh directing the movie. I hate the guy, mainly because I was forced to watch every fucking movie he’s made during high school English classes. I can’t equate him with anything other than Shakespeare and I despise him uncompromisingly and unjustifiably.

The movie comes out May 20th, 2011 which is only a few scant months before Marvel’s other summer tentpole, Captain America.

Kick-Ass footage premiering at Comic-Con

July 2, 2009
Here's the movie's Hit Girl, looking nothing like the comics. Oh well.

Here's the movie's Hit Girl, looking nothing like the comics. Oh well.

It’s still in the air whether or not I trek on down to Comic-Con, but this is definitely an incentive to go. Matthew Vaughn plans to premier some footage of Kick-Ass and that, well, kicks ass.

A specific time hasn’t been given, but Superherohype expects it somewhere near the tail end of Thursday, July23rd.

I’ve been a fan of the comic (y’know, when it gets released every 7 years) and if Vaughn doesn’t tone anything down we’ll all be having a bloody good time in the theaters. Mark Millar’s tale isn’t exactly a literary classic, but it does lend itself to being a solid, hyper-violent action flick.

The only real problem I’m having with the movie is casting Christopher Mintz-Plasse as Red Mist. I like Plasse in the movies I’ve seen him in, but he is so far away from looking like Red Mist it isn’t even funny. But I guess he really just needs to act stoned.

Also, there’s that part with Nicholas Cage being involved as Hit Girl’s Big Daddy. Nicholas Cage is pretty much a one trick pony and I hope they don’t give him too much to do, though I’m betting that won’t be the case.

Yeeaaah.....not quite.

Yeeaaah.....not quite.

Invincible #63 thoughts

June 20, 2009
Holy shit

Holy shit

I think it’s safe to say Invincible 63 is one of, if not the, most violent comics ever published. No, not just mainstream violent. This is the kind of shocking, splintered bones, deformed faces, entrails covered violence that rarely, if ever, gets allowed. I mean, my God.

This definitely illustrates the advantages of having a creator owned series – they can go batshit crazy from time to time without worrying about whether or not it violates any kind of editorial mandate. With issue 63, Kirkman pretty much says with an exclamation that nothing is safe. There is nothing sacred and every character, even beloved series’ regulars, are just meatsacks that can be popped if hit hard enough.

More than any comic in recent memory, Kirkman’s created an atmosphere of dread so entrenched that you legitimately can’t figure out how the heroes will prevail. And Ryan Ottley…god damn man. How you continue to up the ante in comic book gore is a sight to behold each and every issue. Plus, he doesn’t skimp on depicting some rather disfiguring damage on a character you never expected to ever look like that.

Ever since the Invincible War one issue mega event, the series has pretty much been non-stop action, not relenting for even a moment to let Mark breath. Conquest, the old Viltrumite sent to subdue the planet by any mjeans necessary, is a seriously scary dude. Unless Kirkman decides to kill him off next issue, an argument can be made for him going down as one of the best villains in recent memory. Unlike someone who wastes time conniving, he’s here to get shit done and will tear apart any limbs that get in his way.

Invincible, again proving it’s one of the best, and most shocking, comic series on the stands.

Cameron directing Heavy Metal segment? Fuck yeah!

June 6, 2009

The dudes and dudettes over at Film School Reject got an interview in with Kevin Eastmen where he revealed the new Heavy Metal movie will have James Cameron direct a segment, David Fincher another and Zack Snyder and Gore Verbinski also on board.

I mean, holy fucking shit on a monkey’s testes, does this make the movie the most star-studded (director-wise) movie of all time? Not only that, James Cameron will be executive producing this bitch. I’ve never been sure what the hell an executive-producer does, but if James Cameron is one on a film that film will probably be alright.

I remember watching the original Heavy Metal as a kid late at night on Showtime, awed that animation could be that mature. For awhile it felt like I had gotten away with something for watching it. I’m not an avid reader of the magazine, but I do enjoy picking an issue up every now and then, and for the most part the stories are wild, sex-filled, ultra violent affairs. Just what I wanted.

Dunst is back in Spidey 4!

June 6, 2009
Please be good this time.

Please be good this time.

I’m not really sure if that deserved an exclamation mark or not…Anyways, NYP was able to catch a few choice bits from Spidey producer Todd Black and though he was rather mum about the important details, he did give some bits that might be interesting to Spidey fans.

  • Kirsten Dunst is definitely coming back as Mary Jane, despite her saying she didn’t want to. I never liked her as MJ and after her pouty, annoying, turn in Spidey 3 I was really hoping that if there were a casting change it would be her. Or maybe even kill her off and get Pete together with Gwen Stacy. I guess they can still do that, though I doubt they will. Kirsten Dunst never brought that fiery spirit that got comic readers so hot and bothered whenever MJ said “get ’em tiger.”
  • The villain is not Morbius. Rumours had it pegged on him after Raimi mentioned liking vampires, but Black says that’s definitely not it. And thank god. I never liked Morbius. Hell, I don’t like any vampire that has ever appeared in mainstream comic continuity. And it’d just feel out of place for Spider-Man’s next big screen enemy to be a “living vampire.”
  • Black reveals the villain will be “appreciated” by New Yorkers, which probably means it’ll be the Kingpin. It’d be a nice choice, but sort of weird seeing that the character was already used in a movie (and a damn good movie if you’ve seen the director’s cut). The NYP also mentioned Kingpin, but they also mentioned Kraven, which would be pretty cool. Hell, why not have them both? Kingpin hires the greatest hunter to hunt the deadliest game – Man….itee.

Personally, I have no flaming desire for another Spider-Man movie. The third one effectively killed any rabidness I had with the franchise. But, if Raimi comes at this fresh (and after Drag Me To Hell that definitely looks to be the case) and let someone else write the script, it’ll probably be okay.

How awesome is Mark Millar’s Old Man Logan?

May 29, 2009

This fucking awesome.

Great Gatsby!

Great Gatsby!

And the next page after this is even more awesome. And yes, that’s the Red fucking Skull in Captain America’s blood stained outfit striking at Wolverine holding his shield. How much crazier do you need?

If you haven’t picked up Millar’s run on Wolverine yet, there’s only one more (giant sized!) issue to come, but why wait? It’s a completely self contained story that doesn’t adhere to continuity so just think of it as a flashy, blood soaked summer blockbuster. A blockbuster that is 4.8 trillion times better than the garbage Wolverine movie in theatres right now.