A Definitive Lost Timeline (through the fragility of a suspect memory)

March 25, 2010
Spoiler: Many of these people are currently dead.

I can’t say I have the greatest memory in the world (it took me most of my formative years to learn the alphabet. Longer to learn love). In fact, most everything I do should be forgotten. But, wait, what was I doing?

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The last ever Lost Comic Con panel!

July 27, 2009

Thanks to Tostie14 for posting the whole damn thing on Youtube! It’s always entertaining watching Lindlelof and Cuse shooting the shit on Lost. This last season cemented Lost as one of the greatest, most fucked up, television series ever to grace my hawk-like eyes. Pretenders have come (Invasion, Jericho, Heroes) have come and gone (or, in Heroes’ case, proved to be a first season fluke) while Lost continues to chug along with a full head of steam. The second season kiiiiind of underwhelmed, but the rest have been either strong or very strong.


Half-Blood Prince line experience and movie review

July 15, 2009
Nice MySpace image, Potter.

Nice MySpace image, Potter.

Before the review, a bit on my pre-midnight experience : It was fomping insane.

My party arrived at 8:00 hoping to catch Bruno before Potter and there was already a line! And not just 3 or 4 freaks, but about 100 people! For a movie four hours away! The local news channel was also there recording and interviewing peopl.Well, Brunowas also sold out and, not wanting to wait in line, we tried another theatre. When that one was sold out too, we decided to get a pack of cards and sit with the Potter nuts.

Because, I guess, we’re kind of Potter nuts ourselves.

When we got back, maybe 8:55, with playing cards and Wendy’s hamburgers in hand, the line had spiralled around the theatre! On quick count, about 400 people were ahead of us. The sad, scary and pathetic part about this was when we finally got moving we were actually in the first third of the line!

It went on as far as the eye could see.

Crappy image, but the line continued back to those lights and beyond.

Crappy image, but the line continued back to those lights and beyond.

So we just played multiple games of Crazy 8’s Countdown and a number of 21 hands (for imaginary money). It also seemed that everyone driving by had to be douchebag enough to honk their horns incessantly and scream unintelligible sounds. One highlight was when I spotted a person walking towards the line with a sweatshirt that read “RAPE”. Who the hell wears a shirt like that? Upon closer inspection, it actually read “BAPE”. Still, it was hilarious.

Weird was the lack of people who dressed up. I mean, this was a midnight showing for diehard fans and I counted maybe a dozen people who bothered to dress up in English schoolchildren attire + robe. One person had a shower curtain. I expected a much higher turnout and at least one Dumbledore, given this particular Potter story. A lot of people were power reading the novel, though.

Probably to better nitpick with.

But eventually the insanity ceased and we all started moving into the theater at around 11:30. What wasn’t funny was the mad dash for seats everyone made. It was like the end of the world. We snagged relatively comfortable seats nearer the front and in centre. The concession lines were a sight, though. They all spiralled to the side, like the Milky Way’s arms. It was balletic how the lines were.

Anyways, was the movie worth the hoopla?

The Good:

  • Music. This is almost a default because the Harry Potter series has always had excellent orchestral scores and this was no different. It wasn’t quite the John Williams score of the first three, but any rendition of the theme is aces in my books.
  • Much darker. I’m glad I weathered the midnight lines because I was watching with fellow adults who could handle it, but even then the scene at the cavern with the Inferni was motherfucking stupidly scary. I can’t even imagine younger children watching that scene. I also love how brutal Draco’s stomp to Harry’s face is.
  • Better acting. The longer break paid off because everyone, especially Emma Watson, was a lot better here than in previous Potter films. I can’t really find a sore thumb amongst the bunch minus Radcliffe, but that’s more because Harry’s always been the least interesting character than it has to do with his acting abilities.
  • Final confrontation. I thought they did a great job redoing the climatic scene atop the tower. The book was a bit wonky, what with the cloaks involvement and a petrifying spell. Here it was a lot more natural and heartbreaking (I can attest to this because the three girls to my right all sobbed).
  • GREAT film making. The film is a sight to behold. It almost seemed that the world was changing because of the growing darkness, with sunlight now coming at a premium. It sets a really forbidding tone that could be downright depressing at times. But everything just looks so great, and most importantly, convincing. Everything seemed real, which is a long way from Harry fighting the troll in the second movie.

The Bad:

  • Cut a LOT from the books. I know, a movie is a movie, and a book is a book. BUT, there were still a lot of things that I thought could’ve made the movie and made it better. Things like Dumbledore’s funeral (uh, spoiler?) was washed over completely and Snape’s subplot of trying to get the potion back was dropped completely. All the hints of Snape being the Prince were gone so the payoff at the end wasn’t earned.
  • The non-plot elements. I have to admit the movie lost me every time it dragged on and on and on with the relationship bits. I understand they were a necessary evil, but I can’t help but think things could’ve been expedited somewhat.

The Ugly:

  • Inferni. Damn those things are freaky.
  • Poor dining hall. Fuck you Bellatrix.

Verdict: This is easily the best Potter film since the third. It’s got great character drama, the best visual effects the series has ever seen and a compelling story. I’ll admit I didn’t much like the last two movies due to their pacing and weaker stories, but this movie has me amped about The Deathly Hallows. I still don’t understand the need for two movies (seeing that the book has an extended section of them camping in the woods that I want cut) but I’ll still be right there to watch them.


Kung Fu Kid starts filming…

July 13, 2009
Jaden "Welcome to Earff" Smith

Jaden "Welcome to Earff" Smith

…and I kind of want to hurl.

It’s not that I’m against remakes, it’s just that everything about this remake makes me nauseous. From a bottoming out of Jackie Chan’s Hollywood career to having the title character be a ten year old kidthat looks like a gentle zephyr could tear his ligaments apart.

I mean, sure the original Karate Kid had a LOT of things that don’t really stand the test of time (like that entire tournement and, y’know, the karate kid), but at least it was about a teenager that could conceivably fight anouther teenager.

Can anybody, with a straight face, possibly see Jaden Smith go up against the Cobra Kai or, well, anyone? I swear to god if he takes down a secret ninja (or secret kung fu fighter) training compound despite being 4 feet tall and 60 pounds I will buy 3 Ninjas and fornicate the DVD.

That is not a lie. I will violate a used copy of 3 Ninjas if that happens, and give 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up a nice handjob while I’m at it.

I don’t know when I’ve wanted another movie to fail this badly. Okay, I kind of want Halloween 2 (the remake) to fail worse, but not by that much.


Natalie Portman as Jane Foster in Thor

July 13, 2009
You can nurse me anytime.

You can nurse me anytime.

Earlier today Marvel extravagantly announced Natalie Preteen Assassin Portman will be playing Thor’s human love interest Jane Foster, which is weird because I had thought this was going to be a more Norse-centric story.

I guess I was wrong.

I’m a fan of Portman’s earlier work. Well, I was a fan of her in Leon The Professional. Well, I liked Jean Reno. And she was standing next to him a lot, so I guess I liked her second hand. Don’t much like her work elsewhere (Star Wars prequels and whatever the hell else she’s been in), but she sure is pretty and nurse-like, I guess.

Portman’s starring opposite Chris Hemsworth, who many won’t know as Kirk’s suiciding father in Star Trek. I guess that first five minutes was strong enough to land him a role in a $100+ (BIG ‘+’) million potential blockbuster. I’m still not quite sure if the movie has the same legs as Marvel’s Iron Man or X-Men, what with it being about Asgardian gods dressed in fancy outfits saying “thee” and “thou” and “wiggeshnicker” (okay, maybe not that one).

Writes Marvel of the story – “At the center of the story is The Mighty Thor, a powerful but arrogant warrior whose reckless actions reignite an ancient war. Thor is cast down to Earth and forced to live among humans as punishment. Once here, Thor learns what it takes to be a true hero when the most dangerous villain of his world sends the darkest forces of Asgard to invade Earth.”

Sounds very…iffy. Still, I love the character in the comics and at the very least diehard fans will come out in droves to see this.

Also iffy is Kenneth Branagh directing the movie. I hate the guy, mainly because I was forced to watch every fucking movie he’s made during high school English classes. I can’t equate him with anything other than Shakespeare and I despise him uncompromisingly and unjustifiably.

The movie comes out May 20th, 2011 which is only a few scant months before Marvel’s other summer tentpole, Captain America.


2009 Emmy Predictions

June 29, 2009

emmyAwardEmmy season is right around the corner, with the official nomination announcements for the Primetime Emmys coming July 16th. Of all the awards shows, this is by far my favourite on the virtue of television being a far bigger part of my life than movies, video games or music. Of course, is also means it’s the most frustrating award seeing that I rarely see eye to eye with the winners and sometimes the picks.

Last year surprised me because of Alec Baldwin and Bryan Cranston’s deserved wins. I didn’t really expect it, but damnit I wanted them to make it. I was glad to see the judges weren’t all retarded chimps.

I know the actual awards ceremony isn’t on until September, but with most of the shows it’ll be focusing on over and done with I think we can all indulge in a bit of early speculation. Here are my personal predictions on the nominees and winners for the major categories.

Drama Series: I would think Lost was a shoe in for a nomination, but it’s heavy sci-fi flavour would definitely alienate a good deal of the voters. I would personally love to see Breaking Bad win but I doubt it’d even be nominated, so I’ll settle with AMC’s other big gun in Mad Men. Dexter definitely deserves a nomination for last season’s spectacular return to form and here’s hoping House gets some attention for a fantastic year. The critics seem to love Rescue Me, but my choice of winner? The fucking Shield. The final season was disturbingly, violently epic and deserves the kudos.

Lead Actor – Drama: It’d be kind of ridiculous if Bryan Cranston, last year’s winner, doesn’t at least get a nomination especially for an even better performance. I hear Gabriel Byrne was nice in In Treatment, but I haven’t seen it yet myself. Michael C. Hall, Michael Chiklis and John Hamm are signed and sealed as nominees, but the winner will in all likelihood be the always inexplicably snubbed Hugh Laurie. He’s won two Golden Globes but never an Emmy, so this has to be his year, especially after the best season of House in a long time.

Lead Actress – Drama: Kyra Sedgwick and Glenn Close are probably in for a two horse race this time around. Close was great in Damages and Sedgwick is a critical darling (I haven’t seen The Closer yet). The dark horse would be Anna Paquin for True Blood, but I’ve always thought her character was far and away the weakest aspect of a great show.

Comedy Series: The most predictable category, really. The Office and 30 Rock are a lock to be back, but seeing that both have won already I don’t know if their chances are good to repeat despite being the two funniest shows on TV. The Big Bang Theory probably has the biggest chance at winning by virtue of being the only other viable candidate even though How I Met Your Mother is by far the funnier multi-camera sitcom. For some reason, the Emmys hate Mother. The show I really want to see nominated is Chuck but there’s a snowball’s chance under Kristy Ally that happens.

Lead Actor – Comedy: Steve Carell will probably get a nomination for another outstanding year as indefensible, yet lovable, Michael Scott but really, who are we kidding? Alec Baldwin has this category locked down tighter than Fort Knox. Baldwin’s been a comedic tsunami since 30 Rock began and even if you don’t like the show, you like him.

Lead Actress – Comedy: You can say names like Poehler (she was good in a really crappy show), Ferrera, and Collette, but the only name you need to know is Fey. Hopefully another Emmy for Tina can propel 30 Rock with a much deserved ratings boost. Damn the show is funny.


Drake’s Fortune movie on the burner

June 26, 2009

Draked!Who honestly didn’t see this coming? With video game adaptations being in “vogue” recently (though many are being shelved), studios are in heat over the which franchise to bring to the big screen.

And then there’s Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune, whose Nate Drake is pretty much a hipster’s version of Indiana Jones. He’s pretty much Indy, if Indy were more sarcastic and didn’t tuck in his shirts all the way. Nate had high adventures in exotic locations and against supernatural foes. Perfect, we have our next Pirates of the Caribbean!

So, who will be responsible for the film version? Kyle Ward was just hired to write the script, who has a past resume that I guarantee you have never heard of, seeing that it involves the sum total of one movie. I don’t think it was ever released. Oh, now my hopes are so high! Good thing scripting Uncharted shouldn’t be too tough, seeing that the game was already written like it wanted to be on the big screen.

No actors or directors are yet to be attached.

The movie is produced by Avi Arad for Columbia Pictures, a Sony subsidiery of course.

Originally reported by THR.