The good, the bad, and the ugly of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

June 28, 2009

transformers-revenge-of-the-fallenI’m not a picky movie goer. I love brainless action movies as much as the next guy who happens to love brainless action movies. I actually thought the first Transformers was a halfway decent movie. It was a nice blend of spectacular action and humour. Not something you’d ever consider showing in a film class (unless it’s a class on CGI), but you didn’t mind spending two and half hours on it.

Revenge of the Fallen? I went into the movie with good faith, believing that at the very least Michael Bay would give me another dumb extravaganza to waste nearly three hours of my time. Instead, I got lobotomized. My mind was intellectually molested. My very humanity was offended that something like this actually came from us, as the advanced society of this planet.

But enough of that, here’s the good, bad, and ugly of the movie:

The Good

  • It’s very, very pretty. If nothing else, the CGI army working on this movie delivered the goods. There were many scenes that I just accepted the robots were there, inhabiting the same space as the actors.
  • Optimus Prime. The geek in me absolutely loves that they didn’t compromise Optimus at all with any silly “realism.” He is still extremely melodramatic, to the point the cheese is mouldy. But that’s how Optimus should be and damnit, they delivered. Plus, he kicks all sorts of ass. The big bad guy? He owns the sucker in about 20 seconds.
  • Megan Fox when she’s not talking. Damn she’s pretty.
  • John Turturro. I hated his character in the first movie, and yet here he is playing the exact same person, but minus the authority trip he’s actually the best human character of the movie by 400 miles. He’s extremely funny and badass at the same time. If anything he’s too good to be in this movie.

The Bad

  • Human characters. I think the script writers (which are, oddly enough, the writers of the excellent Star Trek) went out of their way to make the human characters both useless and retarded. The soldiers resort to machine gun fire that they should realize doesn’t effect the robots in any way, while the main characters are tasked with being helpless and a liability as they’re propelled along on their adventure.
  • Stupid story. I know, I expected this. But not only was it the expected stupid, it didn’t even follow it’s fucking title! There was NO revenge of the “Fallen.” The movie establishes this badass ancient robot to be amongst the most feared ever, but he is NEVER RESURRECTED! The Decepticons never even bother to go to his tomb despite it only being a couple of miles away.
  • No logic. There are no rules in this movie. Even some of the worst movies I’ve ever seen at least try to adhere to their own stupid logic. Not Transformers, though. Apparently the Decepticons have a base out on a moon of Saturn! If they can travel that fast between there and Earth in a few hours why can’t they just swoop in a destroy everything in milliseconds? How did the Decpticons know where Sam’s parents were while they were dining t a random restaurant in France when they couldn’t find Sam? Why do the robots have testicles and hump legs when they’re born in gelatinous sacks asexually? The list goes on for 2 hours and 40 minutes.

The Ugly

  • Transformers heaven. I shit you not Sam dies and goes to fucking robot heaven. There he meets the spirits of past Primes who revive him so he can save Optimus. Do I even need to write anymore about this?
  • Human transformer. The movie actually has a transformer that’s disguised as a human being! If the Decepticons were capable of this why the hell didn’t they start replacing the important human figures of the world? Are super advanced robots supposed to be stupider than us mere humans? Are they supposed to be dumber than our dogs, too?

The Fugly

  • The “ghetto” Transformers twins. Watching the movie with a black friend, I have first hand experience that these two characters (I never bothered to remember their names) offended him a great deal. They were perhaps the most stereotypically racist things ever put in a summer blockbuster. Fast jive-talking? Check. Gold tooth? Double check. Acting like mindless thugs? Uh huh. Can’t even read? Super. It was akin to watching robots dancing around in black face.

So yeah, the movie was shit. It makes the original look like Citizen fucking Kane by comparison. This feels like a Michael Bay experiment, really. The parameters? He makes the biggest, most expensive piece of shit ever and sees if the public is stupid enough to watch it.

He’s won.

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Action Comics – The best Superman comic on the market…

April 20, 2009
Awesome

Awesome

…and there’s no Superman! Who would’ve thought that a Superman series, devoid of Superman, and starring two unknown (well, one of them) characters would turn out to be one of the better series’ on the market?

I know I sure as hell didn’t and I don’t even know why I started reading this. I swear, my recollections of the day went like this: Breakfast, studied on campus, exam, basketball, Action Comics 875 and 876, pizza, studying, blog entry.

How the hell did Action Comics snake its way in there? You know what? I’m dwelling on this way too much. These two issues, 875-876, proved to be some of the most engrossing Kryptonian related material since just before the New Krypton arc started. You know, when Action Comics was good. The new arc stars Nightwing and Flamebird, two heroes who take on the mantle of legendary Kryptonian heroes (this isn’t copying Dick Grayson. Dick’s Nightwing is based on the Kryptonian hero). Their mission? To take down five Kryptonians placed within Earth’s upperclass.

This is far more interesting than that synopsis sounds when you – massiv spoilers being! – find out that Nightwing is actually the recently set free Christopher Kent! Here I thought the kid was all but forgotten about. Flamebird? Some Kyrptonian chick named Thara.

What really sets this new arc apart from the other Superman monthlies is just how brutal it all is. Issue 876 is essentially Ursa (Zod’s lover and Chris’ biological mother) slicing the hell out of Flamebird with a fucking Kryptonite knife! How crazy is that shit? And what a crazy knifing it is. As you can see from the picture, it wasn’t pretty. My God, this was probably the single bloodiest issue in any Superman story (minus Infinite Crisis) I’ve read in a good long while.

Even without the bloodied carnage, though, Greg Rucka writes a fantastic inner monologue for the psychotic Ursa, all the while dropping just enough exposition into the dialogue to make you interested in finding out more. And that ending scene with Chris floating outside of Lois Lane’s, his mother for all intents and purposes, apartment promises nothing but awesome in the next issue.


Observe and Report / Monsters Versus Aliens Review

April 13, 2009
He will fucking murder you.

He will fucking murder you.

I managed enough time on Friday to catch a couple of flicks and I gotta say, I regret taking my little brothers and sister to the first one.

Observe and Report

Observe and Report, a Seth Rogen Joint, was not what I expected it to be. Hilarious and over the top? Sure, like any other R-rated comedy I feel comfortable taking my impressionable siblings to. But there is something dark brewing under the surface of this movie. An extreme mean streak that’s sure to divide the people who watch it. This is the definition of a black comedy. There is almost no joy to be had in this movie – only a spiral of depression, misery and seriously fucked up shit.

Ronnie, Seth Rogen’s mall cop, is no Paul Blart. Ronnie is a bipolar wreck of a human being. He is rude, mean, and more than a touch psychotic. Ronnie is Travis Bickle-lite. He is exactly the person you do not want to know, let alone hang out with, unlike any other character Rogen has ever played. He is just uncomfortable to watch, and at times a bit nerve wracking.

And yet, by the end (and what an ending it is – I implore you to try to not blurt out a shocked, awkward laugh) of it all, I was thoroughly satisfied. I laughed, which is all I ask from a comedy, but I was also given something entirely unsuspected as well. I have to give the movie props for having the balls (pun intended) to not hold back at all.

Monster Bash!

Monster Bash!

Monsters Vs. Aliens

The second movie we went to was definitely more kid appropriate. We also agreed it was a lot worse. I love 3D movies, but only when they’re unobstructive like Bolt and Coraline. Here, it’s in your face ALL THE FUCKING TIME. It gets annoying and nauseating after awhile.

What of the movie itself? It redefines ‘ho-hum kiddy fare’ (The previous definition read ‘Charlotte’s Web AKA The Movie Before the Dakota Fanning Rape Movie’). I figured the premise was fool proof – monsters fighting aliens in glorious 3D done B-movie style. It kept the B-movie pedigree, but it under delivered everywhere else. Beside the aforementioned over-use of 3D, the story itself is weak and the characters aren’t exactly memorable. Reese Witherspoon’s Suzie is the central focus, but Suzie isn’t exactly compelling. The monsters fare better, but beside’s Rogen’s BOB none were compelling.

But hey, there are worse ways to waste a family outing. There’s always the Hannah Montana movie (which had a line up an hour before the first showing and the brats screamed when they were allowed in) or the Dakota Fanning Rape Movie. If anything, it’s completely harmless.

I recommend you take the children to Observe and Report, and have them learn a real life lesson – stay on your bipolar meds.