A Definitive Lost Timeline (through the fragility of a suspect memory)

March 25, 2010
Spoiler: Many of these people are currently dead.

I can’t say I have the greatest memory in the world (it took me most of my formative years to learn the alphabet. Longer to learn love). In fact, most everything I do should be forgotten. But, wait, what was I doing?

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Random Matchups: Wolverine vs. Batman

March 22, 2010

Introducing a new regular (that was a lie) segment where whatever random matchup that dominates my mindset on any given day gets a platform to shine! Or to not make any sense. Whatever the case may be, I’ve got nothing else fer ya.

To inaugurate this most prestigious occasion, in which I’m not quite sure what prestigious means, let’s pit two of the most popular heroes from Marvel and DC’s pantheon in a head to head death match, to the death.

In the Yellow and Brown corner is…Wolverine!

  • Name: Wolverine AKA Logan AKA James Howlett AKA The short dude who says bub a lot AKA Wayne Gretzky.
  • Age: Old enough to be Larry King’s grandson.
  • Height: Extremely short, unless an artist forgets this. In which case he’s about 7’4.
  • Powers: Mutant healing factor making him immortal. Adamantium claws making him essentially a robot. Fierce scowl making him America’s next top model.
  • Pros: Tears people apart for little to no reason. Can never die, and has kicked Death’s ass for trying. Expert martial artist, who has such a fierce scowl.
  • Cons: Extremely short, emotional, and Canadian.

And in the Black and Gray corner is…Batman!

  • Name: Batman AKA ‘The’ Batman AKA Bruce Wayne AKA Matches Malone AKA Did you not read the last one?
  • Age: Eternally mid-30’s.
  • Height: Whatever Superman’s height it.
  • Powers: Can do, like, so many push-ups. A world class detective. Has the uncanny ability to have planned for every contingency, no matter how many random coincidences come up. A fierce scowl making him Wolverine’s #1 rival.
  • Pros: Is practically clairvoyant. Can do sit-ups. Kind of a jackass, but has a heart of gold (just like House!). Can do a roundhouse kick with the best of ’em. Shit ton of money. Scowl, baby.
  • Cons: Possibly a pedophile. Just a dude who works out, really. Is currently stuck in time, like Scott Bakula and last season of Lost.

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Happy Canada Day!

July 1, 2009
This guy's got the right idea.

This guy's got the right idea. Or he's having a seizure.

Happy Canada Day, y’all!

It’s like Independence Day, only that we didn’t have to go through any messy, patriotic war to get it. We asked nicely and after awhile Mother Britain got annoyed and just kicked us out.

To commemorate this most auspicious of occasions (the very important 142nd birthday), here’s a brief timeline of Canada for all you foreigners who may not know our history.

AKA everyone, including most Canadians.

A quick note: This list is definitive.

  • 1497 – America has Columbus, we have John Cabot. A man who managed to get so lost he ended up in Newfoundland. He dies.
  • 1500-1534 – Many European explorers discover the Maritime provinces. They, much like the provinces they discovered, do not matter.
  • 1534 – Jacques Cartier plants the French flag to claim New France (Quebec). This was easy, as there were no enemies around to defeat him.
  • 1535-1658 – Nothing of significant awesomeness happens besides a few lake discoveries and mass slaughter of beavers and Indians. Discovered beavers were actually worth something.
  • 1658 – Opening of first girls school, the Apostolic Vicar of New France, in Montreal. This begins the long legacy of hot and sexually promiscuous Catholic school girls in this great nation.
  • 1670 – The Hudson’s Bay Company is founded. This is of note because my little brother is currently banned from all HBC establishments for stealing an Oh Henry bar.
  • 1671-1754 – I assume we lumberjacked while the rest of the world did stuff.
  • 1755 – We expel those damned Acadians for not swearing the oath. Good riddance. I’m not exactly sure what an Acadian is, but they sound mystical, and things that are mystical are bad mojo, my bro.
  • 1776 – While Mel Gibson was busy killing half the British army with a hatchet, Canada was busy stockpiling Loyalists to one day strike back after the British won. When that didn’t happen, they settled for making Upper Canada (Ontario).
  • 1812 – Canada fights back those pesky Americans at Queenston Heights, forever (for now) ensuring Canadian sovereignty. Canada also burns down the White House, which we discovered was actually brown. America burned down half of Toronto in response. I think we won.
  • 1832 – Cholera kills 10% of Quebec’s populace. There was no love during this time, just explosive diarrhea.
  • 1837 – We actually had rebellions! Both were pathetic.
  • 1846 – The first telegram is used between Toronto and Hamilton. It read “Hello Hamilton – STOP – Did you know you stink? – STOP.”
  • 1864 – The first great conference dealing with confederation happens in Charlottetown. It seems there was much envy of the United States’ sovereignty and slaves. Britain didn’t allow poor Canada to have slaves, just indentured servants and impoverished Native Americans. Further delegations in Quebec concluded sovereignty by itself should suffice.
  • 1867 – Canada asks Britain for confederacy. They say, “okay, whatever.” We take it as a great moral victory.
  • 1868-2009 – A hanging of some French guy named Riel, a couple of World Wars, something about Vietnam and hockey happens. Currently viewed by the world as the Minnesota of America. Minnesota is just glad with being acknowledged at all, by anyone.

Ah, after the minimal research I did for this I feel empowered by history. Canada, truly the greatest nation to ever have a name rhyming with banana being mispronounced by a dyslexic.

Long live banana! Pronounced incorrectly.

Note: I just reread this in the morning and was it just me or did my grammar get hit with a brain aneurysm near the end of the article? The offenses have been fixed.

Apostolic Vicar of New France

Oh God, they’re coming for Canada!

April 18, 2009
"Gee whiz, we sure are gonna fuck this place up!"

"Gee whiz, we sure are gonna fuck this place up!"

Well, news just broke that the Jonas Brothers are coming to Canada as Disney’s preemptive strike against this fair nation (oh, right, I’m Canadian). I had already written about the horrors the Cult of Disney have wrought and I knew the day the bastards come for us would eventually arise, but to actually hear the news…It’s soul crushing to say the least.

They’ll be hosting this year’s MMVA (aka the homeless man’s MTV Video Music Awards) on June 21 in Toronto, which will coincide with their world tour. A tour that will have seven Canadian stops.

Oh the agony.

I guess this is it. What more can I say? Come together with your loved ones, eat, pray, do whatever. Just…just be together. Be there as the anchor for one another’s inevitable mental breakdown and pandemonium. The Fantasiastical Disney Apocalypse is on our collective door steps, Canada, and we’re powerless under its pop tune infused, sugar coated orgy of mediocrity and innuendos.

Just look into Kevin Jonas’ eyes and you will know true evil.

"I love the taste of fresh babies in the morning."

"I love the taste of fresh babies in the morning."

Observe and Report / Monsters Versus Aliens Review

April 13, 2009
He will fucking murder you.

He will fucking murder you.

I managed enough time on Friday to catch a couple of flicks and I gotta say, I regret taking my little brothers and sister to the first one.

Observe and Report

Observe and Report, a Seth Rogen Joint, was not what I expected it to be. Hilarious and over the top? Sure, like any other R-rated comedy I feel comfortable taking my impressionable siblings to. But there is something dark brewing under the surface of this movie. An extreme mean streak that’s sure to divide the people who watch it. This is the definition of a black comedy. There is almost no joy to be had in this movie – only a spiral of depression, misery and seriously fucked up shit.

Ronnie, Seth Rogen’s mall cop, is no Paul Blart. Ronnie is a bipolar wreck of a human being. He is rude, mean, and more than a touch psychotic. Ronnie is Travis Bickle-lite. He is exactly the person you do not want to know, let alone hang out with, unlike any other character Rogen has ever played. He is just uncomfortable to watch, and at times a bit nerve wracking.

And yet, by the end (and what an ending it is – I implore you to try to not blurt out a shocked, awkward laugh) of it all, I was thoroughly satisfied. I laughed, which is all I ask from a comedy, but I was also given something entirely unsuspected as well. I have to give the movie props for having the balls (pun intended) to not hold back at all.

Monster Bash!

Monster Bash!

Monsters Vs. Aliens

The second movie we went to was definitely more kid appropriate. We also agreed it was a lot worse. I love 3D movies, but only when they’re unobstructive like Bolt and Coraline. Here, it’s in your face ALL THE FUCKING TIME. It gets annoying and nauseating after awhile.

What of the movie itself? It redefines ‘ho-hum kiddy fare’ (The previous definition read ‘Charlotte’s Web AKA The Movie Before the Dakota Fanning Rape Movie’). I figured the premise was fool proof – monsters fighting aliens in glorious 3D done B-movie style. It kept the B-movie pedigree, but it under delivered everywhere else. Beside the aforementioned over-use of 3D, the story itself is weak and the characters aren’t exactly memorable. Reese Witherspoon’s Suzie is the central focus, but Suzie isn’t exactly compelling. The monsters fare better, but beside’s Rogen’s BOB none were compelling.

But hey, there are worse ways to waste a family outing. There’s always the Hannah Montana movie (which had a line up an hour before the first showing and the brats screamed when they were allowed in) or the Dakota Fanning Rape Movie. If anything, it’s completely harmless.

I recommend you take the children to Observe and Report, and have them learn a real life lesson – stay on your bipolar meds.