Drag Me to Warcraft!

July 22, 2009
Wsn't there already a live act...oh, yeah.

Wsn't there already a live act...oh, yeah.

Are you seriously telling me this is happening? I mean, “serious” serious? Not a “hah, I got you you stupid douchebag! This can’t be serous!” serious?

Well, it’s happening. All official like, too.

It seems Sam Raimi and Legendary Pictures are going ahead with plans for a Warcraft movie. It’s being mega produced by mega-producer Charles Roven who helped The Dark Knight make more money than many small nations last year. The Comingsoon article (linked previously on this paragraph because I felt like it) goes on to give a congratulatory handjob detailing how successful Blizzard (fuck Activision. They had no hand in this) has become because of WoW’s logic defying, life changing, near religious status amongst millions of nerds and non-nerds alike. And girls.

“At its core, ‘Warcraft’ is a fantastic, action-packed story,” said Raimi. “I am thrilled to work with such a dynamite production team to bring this project to the big screen.”

I won’t deny that, but does anybody really want to watch 2 to 3 hours of high fallutin’, serious as nails in the scrotum, fantasy? Because the Warcraft storyline isn’t exactly the type of cheap escapist fare most look for in a summer flick. On top of that, most pf the millions playing WoW probably don’t give two shits about the underlying storyline. They play for the social aspects and the never ending array of loot.

Unless the end result is some earth rending sword or another, I don’t think a single WoW players cares if an NPC dies or not.

But who cares about my opinion, right? The movie, as of now, is being made. It’ll probably cost the GDP of Niger to make and a mildly acned geek somewhere probably just creamed his pants.

I’m just not that confident the demand is there to justify this grossly expensive endeavour. At least we’ll get a solid movie because of Raimi.


Modern Warfare 2 prestige

July 14, 2009

Do you know when a LE of a game is just too L? When shit like this happens:

The Hardened Edition is $80 already so I get depressed thinking what “diehard” (aka mentally challenged) fans will be paying for this. And I doubt these goggles are anything but rubbish seeing the ones used by actual killers run in the thousands.


Mass Effect 2’s E3 behind closed door gameplay revealed!

July 11, 2009

Huzzah! I want now to be Spring 2010 sooooo fucking bad.

Okay, sure, most everyone interested in the game has already seen this stuff, but now it’s packaged all professional like.


Sony owns Taiwanese government.

July 6, 2009

Sonwan

Okay, that headline was purely sensationalistic and I’m probably a pig for doing it, but it is sort of apt. In an agreement with the Taiwanese Ministry of Economic Affairs, Sony was able to settle into a deal so that the government would subsidize 40% (!) of all PS3-centric development in the region. In return, Sony is shipping in Japanese and Western technical support, and it’ll be 40% cheaper than shipping them anywhere else!

This is apparently a play at having a foothold in mainland China, but don’t they realize the best way to do that is to create free-to-play MMOs for the PC? The Chinese love their relatively free, time wasting, RPGs. I think, as an Asian, I can speak on behalf of China stereotypically.

Also, doesn’t Sony realize that most anyone who has a PS3 in China is probably (or, er, most likely) playing their games pirated? Hasn’t China always been the centre of the piracy issue? All this is doing is creating Chinese focused games to be pirated by the Chinese.


Sony patents everyday life!

July 6, 2009

Now just

Now just replace golf club with William Wallace sword!

What might be construed (if you were conspiracy-minded) as a pre-emptive strike at Microsoft’s Project Natal, Siliconera reports Sony’s gone ahead and patented a new Eye Toy technology to use any everyday object as a controller. This was one of those things gamers had expected Natal to introduce into the gaming fray with its stereoscopic set of cameras. Describing the technology, Siliconera describes it as “a system where a camera can dynamically map an object — any real world object — for use in a video game.”

Personally, I think this is just Sony covering ground in case gamers like what they see with Natal. It’s not like Sony is using the same camera technology or software, so obviously Microsoft has nothing to worry about if someone wants to use a claymore to play Tiger Woods on the 360 (er, not that I was thinking of doing that. Nor do I entertain such a notion). Now everyone (except Wii owners it seems) can enjoy swinging around random objects in front of their televisions.

Also, who the fuck uses their Eye Toy?

Anyways, it’s like we’re in the fucking holodeck! Well, the poor man’s holodeck. With no holo-ing. Or deck.

But are still poor.


Thoughts on HBO’s Hung and EA’s FNR4

June 30, 2009
Alec Baldwin, heavyweight champion of the world

Alec Baldwin, heavyweight champion of the world

My entire week’s been dominated by Fight Night Round 4 and Hoop It Up over the weekend (apparently now named Ballers Unite, which is very gay). Seeing that my team and I did disastrously in our bid for basketball dominance (it was the first time I met and played with two of my team mates) let’s just talk about FNR4.

The Good:

  • Amazing graphics, but anyone reading this and actually cares already knows that. Fighters sweat, bleed and swell up all nice like. Knockouts are just as outrageous as ever, though I guess mouthpieces aren’t in the game anymore.
  • Killer soundtrack. The songs included are all awesome and the ability to import your own tune for your intro is a nice touch.
  • Create a boxer. I literally spent HOURS making fighters. I’ve made a Conan O’Brien, Jack Bauer, David Boreanez, amongst two dozen others. The ability to scan in someone’s picture and have the gamew build a face makes it rather addictive to populate your game with pop icons.

The Bad

  • Gamer face is kind of wonky. Yes, it works to a degree, but I had to manually adjust everyone to make them even resemble their real life counterparts.
  • Online seems laggy. This may very well just be me and my connection, but I’d think a 10MBPS pipeline was good enough. Turns out I was wrong, I guess.
  • Not a lot of modes. Just Fight Now, Legacy and online fighting.

The Ugly

  • Legacy is broken! Nearly every time I use a menu my 360 freezes up completely. Voicing my concerns at the FNR4 forums, it seems I’m not the first to experience this. Apparently it’s a bug with importing created fighters into the world. I guess I can alleviate it if I start over and not bring Jack Bauer into the fray, but fuck that. I was mainly excited about a career mode with Michael Jackson and Roky Balboa, and fuck EA if they don’t fix this.
This image is not indicitive of the show.

This image is not indicitive of the show.

The other part of my week was looking forward to the new Thomas Jane HBO vehicle Hung. Well, it premiered on Sunday and…

The Good

  • Thomas Jan still rocks. He’s just the perfect guy for this role, making me feel his plight.
  • Fat children. Too much TV has the characters having perfectly beautiful children, but not here. Jane has two fat twins who are far from attractive and I’ll give the show kudos for that.
  • Good concept and funny, to boot. It’s like Weeds and Breaking Bad, but with prostitution instead of drugs and it has the potential to be as good as Weeds. Not Breaking Bad, but definitely Weeds.

The Bad

  • Anne Heche kind of sucked. She was just consistently annoying at all times.
  • The children are walking stereotypes. The son is a finger nails painted goth while the daughter is dating someone named Hammer. Real original there.
  • The poet pimp. I like the idea of Jane having a female pimp, especially a poet pimp, but something about the actress who plays her just rubs me the wrong way.

The Ugly

  • Multple, shrieking orgasms.

5 beloved gaming icons that should be hated!

June 22, 2009
Oh know! It's old man Kirby comin' to git ya!

Oh no! It's old man Kirby comin' to git ya!

5. Kirby (of being pink fame)

I’m as big a fan of the Kirby series as any red-blooded gamer, but just take a step back and think about what you’re loving.

Kirby is, for lack of a nicer term to come to mind at this very instance, a God damned monster. A cute as a button spawn of Satan. He’s an adorable pink blob that spends much of his life devouring all those who dare stand up against him or happened to just be randomly walking by. Did they have children? Were they sons or daughters? Married? Did they have a disabled parent they were caring for? A puppy trapped at home, doomed to slowly starve away, waiting with love for its owner to return, never realizing they never will?

We’ll never know in the wake of Kirby.

Not only does he blatantly commit murder of the most vile kind, he sucks the very souls of the poor bastards he eats and becomes them. Mocking the memory of dead. He’s the type of creature you should tell your children of so they’d stop touching themselves at night, lest Kirby comes and devours your willy. I know I’d be a hell of a lot less blind.

Related: Jigglypuff. I mean, it’s just a gay Kirby that sings that annoyingly catchy song over, and over, and over again. And over again. And then draws shit on your face when you fall asleep! Err…I didn’t know that. I’ve never seen the series. Never.

If Cloud had longer hair, she'd be hot.

If Cloud had longer hair, she'd be hot.

4. Cloud Strife (of spiky haired fame. And Final Fantasy VII)

I’ll probably be called blasphemous for mentioning Cloud here. Despite already being the realm of being ironically liked, there are still a good number of purists out there who would literally contemplate murdering me for besmirching the great Cloud Strife. And I’m not being comical about that. They would actually track me down and shank me and all of my loved ones.

But guess what psychos? Cloud Strife is a huge, raging, douchebag. This guy is an ass. And not the “hey man, you’re fucking annoying” ass, but rather the “I’m a creepy sociopath who’s also fucking annoying” ass. The worst kind of ass! First he deludes himself into taking up another man’s life, doesn’t bother reviving Aeris (fuck “Aerith”) despite having 99 Phoenix Downs, and is generally a dick to everyone who cared about him. And according to Advent Children, he never even bothered to tap Tifa.

Dude, Tifa is the perfect woman – she’s hot and knows Matrix karate. Which is much better than stupid real life karate by at least a factor of three.

Cloud Strife is only popular because he encapsulates the anime/RPG fanboy’s wet dream – a vehement anti-social who still saves the world and gets any girl he wants. He can also wield giant swords without having any muscle mass to speak of, which is instantly appealing to the average enfeebled geek.

Also Considered: Squall Leonheart. He was only saved saved by the fact that he did, in fact, tap the girl.

29 Eevees were killed during the time it took to write this article.

29 Eevees were killed during the time it took to write this article.

3. Pokemon in general (of Michael Vicks approval fame)

Get two dogs. Starve them by isolating them in confined cages. When the time comes, unleash them upon each other, clawing and tearing at the other’s throats. Do this while a crowd cheers on. This would be, for the majority of the west, an inhumane, barbaric, and illegal act.

In Pokemon? It’s a celebrated activity, made all the more disturbing by the fact that children, and adults, are buying the games by the millions. It’s made selling like hotcakes, “selling like Pokemon.”

And I’m not trying to get all PETA-like here (I kind of despise animals in general), but just pointing out the innate craziness of the Pokemon concept in general. You’re essentially enslaving animals against their will (note the immense struggle they emit once you chuck a metal Poke-ball at their skulls) and then pitting them in gruelling cock fights.

And not just any ol’ cock fight, but one with lightning and magma and fucking psychic powers. Thinking about it, why the hell aren’t the Pokemon rising up and throwing off the shackles of their oppressors? With all the fire power at their disposal, why isn’t it them using us as the cocks? Why isn’t Pikachu locking Ash up at night, letting him piss and shit in a corner of the cage and forcing him to breed with Misty to “evolve” a superior human? Pull up your bootstraps Pokemons (would this be the proper plural? Pokemen? Pokemii?) and get your due rights.

Until then, just know that the adorable Piplup you send out to “battle” is getting viciously mauled and that by healing it, all you’re doing is snatching it away from the peaceful embrace of death and patching it up for another beating, creating a cycle of abuse that will reverberate through generations of Piplups for games to come.

Food for thought: The Pink Dragon Millipede is one animal I wouldn’t mind seeing extinct. Google it and you’ll know why, too.

Bringing bondage to the mainstream, babe.

Bringing bondage to the mainstream, babe.

2. Alucard (of being the digital Robert Pattinson fame)

Let’s get this out of the way – Symphony of the Night is one of the greatest video games ever created and a curse upon you and your family if you don’t agree. If you’ve never played it before, then too bad, you’re cursed by default. That’s the rules so don’t complain to me about it when the Lamia drags you to hell.

But let’s face it, during the interim between his greatest showing and now, we’ve gotten a goth trend, gotten to hating the goth trend, gotten the emo trend, gotten to hating the emo trend, and have most recently arrived at the vampire trend via Twilight AKA a preteen visual vibrator. From my experiences, the backlash is starting and I’m jumping on the bandwagon early because I’d like to think myself a trend setter, or at least a diligent follower.

With the inevitable hatred of all things slender and vampiric, I’m afraid Alucard will be taking the brunt of the videogame vitriol. He’s got the great feminine looks, form fitting clothing and fabulous hair.

He’s gotta go.

Even Konami has noticed, and the latest iteration, Castlevania: Lords of Shadow, has a manly man wearing manly armour wielding a manly cross shaped bludgeon. To hypothetically bludgeon manly monsters to manly death, of manly course.

So take heed current lovers of Alucard, you’re not supposed to like him anymore. Mindless media trends dictate it!

Look at all that armour. There's nothing compensatory about it at all!

Look at all that armour. There's nothing compensatory about it at all!

To jump on the next bandwagon, we must now all like Brock Lesnar, the most undeserved champion contender in any sport, ever.

Unrelated Note: Zombies have always been better than vampires. That is a fact. But werewolves trump all. I mean, they’re wolf and man? That’s like kicking ass twice.

It's-a-me, your lazy-a contractor. That-a will be $5,000 dollars. Hoo-hoo!

It's-a-me, your lazy-a contractor. That-a will be $5,000 dollars. Hoo-hoo!

1. Mario (of plumbing and porn fame)

He’s a fucking plumber. He’s a fucking plumber who doesn’t plumb. So not only does he have a very undesirable job, he kind of sucks at it, too. Plus, he’s our very own 40 year old virgin, forever unable to tap Princess Peach despite a two decades long courtship. I’m pretty sure she already shacked up with Donkey Kong a few times over the years.

I’m sure even Toad scored with a koopa troopa or two.

Mario, the very most pathetic character in existence and also gamings greatest icon. Whatever that says about our society at large, I’ll let you figure it out.

And seriously, he looks like the type of guy you don’t want living across from the school your kid goes to.