Oh no! It's old man Kirby comin' to git ya!
5. Kirby (of being pink fame)
I’m as big a fan of the Kirby series as any red-blooded gamer, but just take a step back and think about what you’re loving.
Kirby is, for lack of a nicer term to come to mind at this very instance, a God damned monster. A cute as a button spawn of Satan. He’s an adorable pink blob that spends much of his life devouring all those who dare stand up against him or happened to just be randomly walking by. Did they have children? Were they sons or daughters? Married? Did they have a disabled parent they were caring for? A puppy trapped at home, doomed to slowly starve away, waiting with love for its owner to return, never realizing they never will?
We’ll never know in the wake of Kirby.
Not only does he blatantly commit murder of the most vile kind, he sucks the very souls of the poor bastards he eats and becomes them. Mocking the memory of dead. He’s the type of creature you should tell your children of so they’d stop touching themselves at night, lest Kirby comes and devours your willy. I know I’d be a hell of a lot less blind.
Related: Jigglypuff. I mean, it’s just a gay Kirby that sings that annoyingly catchy song over, and over, and over again. And over again. And then draws shit on your face when you fall asleep! Err…I didn’t know that. I’ve never seen the series. Never.
If Cloud had longer hair, she'd be hot.
4. Cloud Strife (of spiky haired fame. And Final Fantasy VII)
I’ll probably be called blasphemous for mentioning Cloud here. Despite already being the realm of being ironically liked, there are still a good number of purists out there who would literally contemplate murdering me for besmirching the great Cloud Strife. And I’m not being comical about that. They would actually track me down and shank me and all of my loved ones.
But guess what psychos? Cloud Strife is a huge, raging, douchebag. This guy is an ass. And not the “hey man, you’re fucking annoying” ass, but rather the “I’m a creepy sociopath who’s also fucking annoying” ass. The worst kind of ass! First he deludes himself into taking up another man’s life, doesn’t bother reviving Aeris (fuck “Aerith”) despite having 99 Phoenix Downs, and is generally a dick to everyone who cared about him. And according to Advent Children, he never even bothered to tap Tifa.
Dude, Tifa is the perfect woman – she’s hot and knows Matrix karate. Which is much better than stupid real life karate by at least a factor of three.
Cloud Strife is only popular because he encapsulates the anime/RPG fanboy’s wet dream – a vehement anti-social who still saves the world and gets any girl he wants. He can also wield giant swords without having any muscle mass to speak of, which is instantly appealing to the average enfeebled geek.
Also Considered: Squall Leonheart. He was only saved saved by the fact that he did, in fact, tap the girl.
29 Eevees were killed during the time it took to write this article.
3. Pokemon in general (of Michael Vicks approval fame)
Get two dogs. Starve them by isolating them in confined cages. When the time comes, unleash them upon each other, clawing and tearing at the other’s throats. Do this while a crowd cheers on. This would be, for the majority of the west, an inhumane, barbaric, and illegal act.
In Pokemon? It’s a celebrated activity, made all the more disturbing by the fact that children, and adults, are buying the games by the millions. It’s made selling like hotcakes, “selling like Pokemon.”
And I’m not trying to get all PETA-like here (I kind of despise animals in general), but just pointing out the innate craziness of the Pokemon concept in general. You’re essentially enslaving animals against their will (note the immense struggle they emit once you chuck a metal Poke-ball at their skulls) and then pitting them in gruelling cock fights.
And not just any ol’ cock fight, but one with lightning and magma and fucking psychic powers. Thinking about it, why the hell aren’t the Pokemon rising up and throwing off the shackles of their oppressors? With all the fire power at their disposal, why isn’t it them using us as the cocks? Why isn’t Pikachu locking Ash up at night, letting him piss and shit in a corner of the cage and forcing him to breed with Misty to “evolve” a superior human? Pull up your bootstraps Pokemons (would this be the proper plural? Pokemen? Pokemii?) and get your due rights.
Until then, just know that the adorable Piplup you send out to “battle” is getting viciously mauled and that by healing it, all you’re doing is snatching it away from the peaceful embrace of death and patching it up for another beating, creating a cycle of abuse that will reverberate through generations of Piplups for games to come.
Food for thought: The Pink Dragon Millipede is one animal I wouldn’t mind seeing extinct. Google it and you’ll know why, too.
Bringing bondage to the mainstream, babe.
2. Alucard (of being the digital Robert Pattinson fame)
Let’s get this out of the way – Symphony of the Night is one of the greatest video games ever created and a curse upon you and your family if you don’t agree. If you’ve never played it before, then too bad, you’re cursed by default. That’s the rules so don’t complain to me about it when the Lamia drags you to hell.
But let’s face it, during the interim between his greatest showing and now, we’ve gotten a goth trend, gotten to hating the goth trend, gotten the emo trend, gotten to hating the emo trend, and have most recently arrived at the vampire trend via Twilight AKA a preteen visual vibrator. From my experiences, the backlash is starting and I’m jumping on the bandwagon early because I’d like to think myself a trend setter, or at least a diligent follower.
With the inevitable hatred of all things slender and vampiric, I’m afraid Alucard will be taking the brunt of the videogame vitriol. He’s got the great feminine looks, form fitting clothing and fabulous hair.
He’s gotta go.
Even Konami has noticed, and the latest iteration, Castlevania: Lords of Shadow, has a manly man wearing manly armour wielding a manly cross shaped bludgeon. To hypothetically bludgeon manly monsters to manly death, of manly course.
So take heed current lovers of Alucard, you’re not supposed to like him anymore. Mindless media trends dictate it!
Look at all that armour. There's nothing compensatory about it at all!
To jump on the next bandwagon, we must now all like Brock Lesnar, the most undeserved champion contender in any sport, ever.
Unrelated Note: Zombies have always been better than vampires. That is a fact. But werewolves trump all. I mean, they’re wolf and man? That’s like kicking ass twice.
It's-a-me, your lazy-a contractor. That-a will be $5,000 dollars. Hoo-hoo!
1. Mario (of plumbing and porn fame)
He’s a fucking plumber. He’s a fucking plumber who doesn’t plumb. So not only does he have a very undesirable job, he kind of sucks at it, too. Plus, he’s our very own 40 year old virgin, forever unable to tap Princess Peach despite a two decades long courtship. I’m pretty sure she already shacked up with Donkey Kong a few times over the years.
I’m sure even Toad scored with a koopa troopa or two.
Mario, the very most pathetic character in existence and also gamings greatest icon. Whatever that says about our society at large, I’ll let you figure it out.
And seriously, he looks like the type of guy you don’t want living across from the school your kid goes to.