Observe and Report / Monsters Versus Aliens Review

April 13, 2009
He will fucking murder you.

He will fucking murder you.

I managed enough time on Friday to catch a couple of flicks and I gotta say, I regret taking my little brothers and sister to the first one.

Observe and Report

Observe and Report, a Seth Rogen Joint, was not what I expected it to be. Hilarious and over the top? Sure, like any other R-rated comedy I feel comfortable taking my impressionable siblings to. But there is something dark brewing under the surface of this movie. An extreme mean streak that’s sure to divide the people who watch it. This is the definition of a black comedy. There is almost no joy to be had in this movie – only a spiral of depression, misery and seriously fucked up shit.

Ronnie, Seth Rogen’s mall cop, is no Paul Blart. Ronnie is a bipolar wreck of a human being. He is rude, mean, and more than a touch psychotic. Ronnie is Travis Bickle-lite. He is exactly the person you do not want to know, let alone hang out with, unlike any other character Rogen has ever played. He is just uncomfortable to watch, and at times a bit nerve wracking.

And yet, by the end (and what an ending it is – I implore you to try to not blurt out a shocked, awkward laugh) of it all, I was thoroughly satisfied. I laughed, which is all I ask from a comedy, but I was also given something entirely unsuspected as well. I have to give the movie props for having the balls (pun intended) to not hold back at all.

Monster Bash!

Monster Bash!

Monsters Vs. Aliens

The second movie we went to was definitely more kid appropriate. We also agreed it was a lot worse. I love 3D movies, but only when they’re unobstructive like Bolt and Coraline. Here, it’s in your face ALL THE FUCKING TIME. It gets annoying and nauseating after awhile.

What of the movie itself? It redefines ‘ho-hum kiddy fare’ (The previous definition read ‘Charlotte’s Web AKA The Movie Before the Dakota Fanning Rape Movie’). I figured the premise was fool proof – monsters fighting aliens in glorious 3D done B-movie style. It kept the B-movie pedigree, but it under delivered everywhere else. Beside the aforementioned over-use of 3D, the story itself is weak and the characters aren’t exactly memorable. Reese Witherspoon’s Suzie is the central focus, but Suzie isn’t exactly compelling. The monsters fare better, but beside’s Rogen’s BOB none were compelling.

But hey, there are worse ways to waste a family outing. There’s always the Hannah Montana movie (which had a line up an hour before the first showing and the brats screamed when they were allowed in) or the Dakota Fanning Rape Movie. If anything, it’s completely harmless.

I recommend you take the children to Observe and Report, and have them learn a real life lesson – stay on your bipolar meds.

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Terminator Salvation = PG-13 = Gay

April 7, 2009
Sample excerpt from upcoming PG-13 Terminator: Salvation

Sample excerpt from upcoming PG-13 Terminator: Salvation

Well, word has now spread like wildfire (that was a lie, it’s 2 in the fucking morning) that McG’s upcoming Terminator: Salvation, starring Christian “We’re through professionally” Bale and a bunch of other people, has officially received a PG-13 rating.

Harry over at Aintitcool, bless his four fold sized heart, is trying t rationalize this news as being a “hard PG-13,” because the future setting allows for more intense science-fiction themed may-blah, blah, fucking blah.

Remember the last R to PG-13 franchise people tried to rationalize as being “hard PG-13”? Die Hard. What happened there? We got Live Free or Die Hard, and the less said about that piece of crap the better. Another fan favourite franchise (s?) to go from R to PG-13 and suck balls because of it? Aliens Versus Predator.

That movie still remains, in my personal opinion, an abortion caught on film that somehow tricked millions into watching it.

So what can we expect from Terminator: Salvation? Going by the MPAA’s direct guidelines, here’s what you shouldn’t expect:

1) There will be absolutely no “realistic and extreme or persistent violence.”

2) Say good bye to “more than one [harsh] expletive.” Especially if that harsh term is used in a “sexual context.”

So yeah, don’t expect very much bloodshed or gore in the action, especially sustained sequences of such. Don’t expect any cursive language beyond a bunch of “shit” being spewed around.

In other words, don’t expect this to be the movie you’re expecting it to be. And here’s another morsel to chew at – T3: Rise of the Machines was by no means the most intense action movie ever made, but even that was R-rated.

And please, take the “hard PG-13” notion and shove it up your ass. Hard. And remember how that “hard PG-13” raped the Die Hard, Aliens and Predator franchises.