Random Matchups: Wolverine vs. Batman

March 22, 2010

Introducing a new regular (that was a lie) segment where whatever random matchup that dominates my mindset on any given day gets a platform to shine! Or to not make any sense. Whatever the case may be, I’ve got nothing else fer ya.

To inaugurate this most prestigious occasion, in which I’m not quite sure what prestigious means, let’s pit two of the most popular heroes from Marvel and DC’s pantheon in a head to head death match, to the death.

In the Yellow and Brown corner is…Wolverine!

  • Name: Wolverine AKA Logan AKA James Howlett AKA The short dude who says bub a lot AKA Wayne Gretzky.
  • Age: Old enough to be Larry King’s grandson.
  • Height: Extremely short, unless an artist forgets this. In which case he’s about 7’4.
  • Powers: Mutant healing factor making him immortal. Adamantium claws making him essentially a robot. Fierce scowl making him America’s next top model.
  • Pros: Tears people apart for little to no reason. Can never die, and has kicked Death’s ass for trying. Expert martial artist, who has such a fierce scowl.
  • Cons: Extremely short, emotional, and Canadian.

And in the Black and Gray corner is…Batman!

  • Name: Batman AKA ‘The’ Batman AKA Bruce Wayne AKA Matches Malone AKA Did you not read the last one?
  • Age: Eternally mid-30’s.
  • Height: Whatever Superman’s height it.
  • Powers: Can do, like, so many push-ups. A world class detective. Has the uncanny ability to have planned for every contingency, no matter how many random coincidences come up. A fierce scowl making him Wolverine’s #1 rival.
  • Pros: Is practically clairvoyant. Can do sit-ups. Kind of a jackass, but has a heart of gold (just like House!). Can do a roundhouse kick with the best of ’em. Shit ton of money. Scowl, baby.
  • Cons: Possibly a pedophile. Just a dude who works out, really. Is currently stuck in time, like Scott Bakula and last season of Lost.

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How awesome is Mark Millar’s Old Man Logan?

May 29, 2009

This fucking awesome.

Great Gatsby!

Great Gatsby!

And the next page after this is even more awesome. And yes, that’s the Red fucking Skull in Captain America’s blood stained outfit striking at Wolverine holding his shield. How much crazier do you need?

If you haven’t picked up Millar’s run on Wolverine yet, there’s only one more (giant sized!) issue to come, but why wait? It’s a completely self contained story that doesn’t adhere to continuity so just think of it as a flashy, blood soaked summer blockbuster. A blockbuster that is 4.8 trillion times better than the garbage Wolverine movie in theatres right now.

I just realized…

May 6, 2009

…that I prefer X3 over Wolverine. I’m just sitting here, watching an old rerun of MadTV (which is far and away better than SNL these last few years), and that realization donned on me. I had thought X3 effectively ruined the franchise, what with its anti-mutant serum, killing Scott Summers off the fucking screen, and having Phoenix be a bitch, but now the more I think about it the more I see that Wolverine was faaaaar worse.

Sure, X3 was bad, but it wasn’t stupid. It was just badly filmed with bad plot choices. Wolverine on the other hand was just plain stupid. From the Wolverine’s entirely unjustified “I’m the best at what I do,” line to being given a dead son’s leather jacket from an old couple he had met 12 hours before to what the fuck they did to Deadpool.

It was just all so fucking aggravating, and it now officially stands WAY behind X3 in the X-films pantheon.

Quick, belated, Wolverine review

May 3, 2009

wolverine-origins-jackmanAfter a 2 day delay, I finally got my ass to the theatre to see if the movie deserved its estimated $87 million weekend.

Honestly I was going to write an in depth review about how bad the movie is, but I’m sure anyone who went to see it already knows. Plus, it’d be putting a little too much effort into something that thoroughly does not deserve it. To save some time while still being informative, say hello to the Bullet Point family!

The Good

  • Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber. These two guys do their damnedest to elevate the movie, and to a degree they do. To a degree.
  • Wade Wilson. As a confessed Reynolds fan, I really enjoyed his take on the constantly talking and super deadly Wade Wilson, cutting bullets in half and what not.

The Bad

  • Gambit. Taylor Kitsch is a good actor and I love him in Friday Night Lights, but his take on Remy LeBeau is less than inspired. He doesn’t really do much and there’s not even a pretense of a Cajun accent!
  • Emma Frost. I have no idea who Tahyna Tozzi but as Emma Frost she commited two deadly sins – she looks nothing like Emma Frost and acted nothing like Emma Frost.
  • The storyline. It’s not that it sucked, but that its so wholeheartedly mediocre that it’s pure averageness dragged themovie down. Plus, it doesn’t show why Logan/James/Wolverine is “the best at what he does.” Sure, he says it, but nothing up until that point in the movie actually shows him doing anything badass. Just standing around looking remorseful.

The Ugly

  • The special FX. For a movie made in 2009 and for $150 million, this movie looks atrocious. The bathroom scene where Logan plays with his metal claws for the first time looks worse than TV quality. Explosions don’t fit the foreground and whenever powers are used it looks disjointed. Nobody moves the right way. And worse of all – it feels small. Every single scene in the movie feels claustrophobic and minute.
  • Deadpool!!!! Sure, Wade was good, but when he (um, spoilers, but not really) turns up again as Weapon XI aka Deadpool later on, the movie deprives him of why we love Deadpool – his mouth! They literally get rid of it and just make him into a hybrid mutant killing machine with no personality. And just like that, he dies. The end. Wasted potential.

Wolverine comes out today!

May 1, 2009
Mon aime! Please don't suck, suga'.

Mon aime! Please don't suck, suga'.

Whoo! I am so filled with timid excitement! I know this movie will most likely be atrocious which is why I’m adjusting my expectations accordingly. After all, if I expect it to be horrible and it turns out to be subpar, that means I come out on top right?

Oh, what I do for Wolverine, my fourth favourite comic book character! On the bright side, I’m one of the few people who enjoyed Daredevil (the unrated version) and Punisher Warzone (love the ultra violence), and this movie should at least be better than those. I still wished this was an R-rated flick, though, seeing that eviscerating fuckers is what Wolverine is best at.

I doubt I’ll be seeing things like this:

Yeah, not so PG-13...

Yeah, not so PG-13...

Bracing for Wolverine

April 29, 2009


X-Men Origins: Wolverine (God that’s still an awful title) comes out in a couple of days and, despite my brain screaming it’ll be horrendous, I’m looking forward to it. Wolverine was the first superhero I idolized. He was the badass loner who’s a softy on the inside and fiercely loyal to his friends and compatriots. He was also indestructible, so that’s a plus.

Hugh Jackman pulled off the impossible with the first X-Men – he actually pulled off a live action Wolverine. Sure, he was about 8 inches too tall (but the comics have also forgotten Logan’s supposed to be 5 feet, so I can let this slide) and a lot more handsome than Wolverine had any right to be. But he nailed it. He had that badassery about him that scream, “I’mma tear your fucking throat out with my teeth, bub.” It can be argued that he carried the three X-Men movies, though the burden of Ratner became a little too heavy even for his burly shoulders with X-Men 3.

Well, the studios saw fit to bestow Jackson and the character a movie all his own and from the trailers so far, it looks kind of…Oh, I’m not going to sugar coat it. It looks awful. For a Wolverine origin story, it sure is packing in a lot of characters not called Wolverine (or Logan, or John). Yes, for Marvel fanboys simply seeing all of the cameos – like Gambit, Cyclops, Emma Frost, Deadpool – is enough to extract a couple hours of orgasmic pleasure, but this isn’t a Wolverine origin story anymore.

The trailers make the movie look like a highlight reel of every backstory tidbit ever made for the character, thrown at you one after another. But I guess the best thing i can do is to not expect a proper origin story. Not to expect a film version of Bill Jemas’ Origin miniseries, which was fantastic.

I understand a proper origin flick would probably be too action deprived for a summer tentpole movie, too dark and grisly for a PG-13, but I don’t understand why they called this ‘Origins’. Why not just Wolverine? Why even hint at an origin movie when you’re more interested in showing non-stop comic violence and spectacle?

There are a few things about the movie helping to maintain this inexplicable excitement, though. Gavin Hood is an interesting choice for director, and his movie Tsotsi was grim and gritty and astonishingly moving. Hugh Jackman is just charisma incarnate, so it’s always fun watching him in any movie (minus Van Helsing. I mean Kate and Leopold was better than that piece of crap).

Plus, it’s a brainless summer movie, so I’m probably over analysing this. Just give me some Gambit being Gambit and I’ll probably be tide over this Friday.