Happy Canada Day!

This guy's got the right idea.

This guy's got the right idea. Or he's having a seizure.

Happy Canada Day, y’all!

It’s like Independence Day, only that we didn’t have to go through any messy, patriotic war to get it. We asked nicely and after awhile Mother Britain got annoyed and just kicked us out.

To commemorate this most auspicious of occasions (the very important 142nd birthday), here’s a brief timeline of Canada for all you foreigners who may not know our history.

AKA everyone, including most Canadians.

A quick note: This list is definitive.

  • 1497 – America has Columbus, we have John Cabot. A man who managed to get so lost he ended up in Newfoundland. He dies.
  • 1500-1534 – Many European explorers discover the Maritime provinces. They, much like the provinces they discovered, do not matter.
  • 1534 – Jacques Cartier plants the French flag to claim New France (Quebec). This was easy, as there were no enemies around to defeat him.
  • 1535-1658 – Nothing of significant awesomeness happens besides a few lake discoveries and mass slaughter of beavers and Indians. Discovered beavers were actually worth something.
  • 1658 – Opening of first girls school, the Apostolic Vicar of New France, in Montreal. This begins the long legacy of hot and sexually promiscuous Catholic school girls in this great nation.
  • 1670 – The Hudson’s Bay Company is founded. This is of note because my little brother is currently banned from all HBC establishments for stealing an Oh Henry bar.
  • 1671-1754 – I assume we lumberjacked while the rest of the world did stuff.
  • 1755 – We expel those damned Acadians for not swearing the oath. Good riddance. I’m not exactly sure what an Acadian is, but they sound mystical, and things that are mystical are bad mojo, my bro.
  • 1776 – While Mel Gibson was busy killing half the British army with a hatchet, Canada was busy stockpiling Loyalists to one day strike back after the British won. When that didn’t happen, they settled for making Upper Canada (Ontario).
  • 1812 – Canada fights back those pesky Americans at Queenston Heights, forever (for now) ensuring Canadian sovereignty. Canada also burns down the White House, which we discovered was actually brown. America burned down half of Toronto in response. I think we won.
  • 1832 – Cholera kills 10% of Quebec’s populace. There was no love during this time, just explosive diarrhea.
  • 1837 – We actually had rebellions! Both were pathetic.
  • 1846 – The first telegram is used between Toronto and Hamilton. It read “Hello Hamilton – STOP – Did you know you stink? – STOP.”
  • 1864 – The first great conference dealing with confederation happens in Charlottetown. It seems there was much envy of the United States’ sovereignty and slaves. Britain didn’t allow poor Canada to have slaves, just indentured servants and impoverished Native Americans. Further delegations in Quebec concluded sovereignty by itself should suffice.
  • 1867 – Canada asks Britain for confederacy. They say, “okay, whatever.” We take it as a great moral victory.
  • 1868-2009 – A hanging of some French guy named Riel, a couple of World Wars, something about Vietnam and hockey happens. Currently viewed by the world as the Minnesota of America. Minnesota is just glad with being acknowledged at all, by anyone.

Ah, after the minimal research I did for this I feel empowered by history. Canada, truly the greatest nation to ever have a name rhyming with banana being mispronounced by a dyslexic.

Long live banana! Pronounced incorrectly.

Note: I just reread this in the morning and was it just me or did my grammar get hit with a brain aneurysm near the end of the article? The offenses have been fixed.

Apostolic Vicar of New France

2 Responses to Happy Canada Day!

  1. Ira says:

    I think it is time for the US to conquer Canada, and make it a civilized place to live. Would all of you prefer to surender to me in advance so I can get my name in the history books? You can save time by sending me a short E-mail stating “I surender, American won, thank you for liberating us from our boring lives”.

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