Are you an Otaku? A definitive quiz.

March 16, 2010

Look in the mirror. And be honest now!

I think we have all asked ourselves this question at least once – am I gay? This is usually followed by imagining various naked specimens of our species and calculating how aroused, ie. hard/wet, we are. For more promiscuous individuals, experimentation takes place either after a drunken night or for an awesome T-shit and a necklace beads. For most of us this is just a passing concern and we move on with our lives, never telling another living soul the ordeal we just went through.

What does this have to do with being an Otaku? Not much, except as a loose and shoddily concocted analogy. That still doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Let’s look at the definition of otaku before moving on, shall we? Merriam-Webster has it as “a person who is obsessed with anime, manga, and Japanese culture in general.” The 56th definition of the word on the definitive online resource Urban Dictionary has it as “teh deliciously kickass wife of nero.” The former indicates an unhealthy fixation on drawn images of junior high school girls in various levels of undress. The latter, with perfect grammar, indicating you’re the wife of an Emperor that burnt a fuck ton of Christian babies alive.  You’re deliciously kickass, though, for what that’s worth.

Either way, it’s slightly unflattering.

So, how can you tell whether or not you’re an Otaku? By taking this painstakingly crafted, scientifically proven quiz of course! Or just go outside and play a sport or hit a pub and get pissed.

Remember, read through the quiz before answering!

Question the first!

If you had to describe your character, would you:

  • A) Defer the description to an anime/manga protagonist, and how you’d so “totally master the same jutsus.”
  • B) You would refer to a movie /TV or book character, only occasionally referring to anime.
  • C) Refer to a historical figure and how you’d “totally end the Civil War if [you] had the chance.” And you’d do it with Ichigo’s haircut, because it’s cool and not because you know who Kurosaki Ichig…
  • D) Actually describe personality traits and net income.

This is, like, sooo totally me!

Question the one after the first!

What would be the trait most desirable in your sexual partner:

  • A) He/she would be a mega-kawaii mega-tsundere. And mahou. If you chose this, you already know what those mean.
  • B) A lifeless, soulless, though still huggable sex doll/life size moe pillow/VCR player. That you can fuck.
  • C) She can’t be assertive, because you fear strong, independent women. Someone like Bella from the Twilight series would be nice. Only pretty.
  • D) You’d settle for smart and funny, and a superb knowledge of great wines.

Wash your fucking hair once in a while!

Question the thrice!

Where would you like to go on your honeymoon if you could go anywhere?

  • A) Obviously a trip to Konoha, with a pit stop at the Grandline on your way home.
  • B) Akihabara, with a side of maid and imouto cafes. An actual wife is optional.
  • C) A trip East. Japan is an option. Maybe a manga shop, if there’s time. And a maid cafe…just to, like, say I’ve done it.
  • D) Hawaii, and then backpack through Europe. Really live the world, y’know?

I didn't really want to go here. But it's an experience, y'know? Heh...heh.

Question the 4th!

What is your usual go to wardrobe?

  • A) An exact replica Asuka plug suit, despite me being a 320 pound male.
  • B) Just my super wicked awesome Haruhi fanny pack and soooo ironic “Shinji is Cool” T-shirt.
  • C) Jeans, jacket and maybe a relatively non-descript T-shirt that may or may not have Naruto images on it.
  • D) Whatever the people in The Real World are wearing.

See? It's not Naruto at all...

Question the something or other!

How would you battle evil cyborg ninjas that just kidnapped your 2 month old puppy?

  • A) You would create a fully functioning Gundam (or just steal the one they made in Tokyo and pimp that shit out), and tear the world asunder looking for Ayanami-chan.
  • B) You would so open a can of whoop ass only hundreds of hours of Dragonball and Hunter X Hunter can teach.
  • C) Try to trade that collection of animated features (like, totally not anime).
  • D) Call the fucking cops. I mean, evil cyborg ninjas just took your new pure-bred toy poodle! That thing cost you eight large!

Nobody fucks with my Ayanami-wawi-foo

Question the ninth!

If you only had three days to live, what’s #1 on your bucket list?

  • A) You would molest Hayao Miyazaki and profess your hidden pedophilic tendencies. Nobody is surprised.
  • B) Sneak into aforementioned Gundam in Japan and do nasty, filthy things inside.
  • C) Admit you may have watched an anime or forty, and cry into your life-sized moe pillow.
  • D) Air balloon. Around the world! Though unfortunately you die only three days into your trip.

I...don't recommend going inside there. ESPECIALLY the left arm.

Question the eixinth!

Of these phrases, which would best describe YOU?

  • A) Urusai!
  • B) Kakkoi!
  • C) I swear, I’m not that into this stuff.
  • D) Turtlenecks are fashionable and utilitarian!

Swank and warm, all at once!

Question the I never learned to count!

Who would you rather “do” – Suzumiya Haruhi, Ayanami Rei, or Ponyo.

  • A) Ponyo. In a heartbeat. Over and over and over again.
  • B) Tough, but you’d definitely go with Rei. Her emotionless features underlay a warmth not many see.
  • C) Well, if you had to choose, I guess Haruhi. Again, if those are the choices.
  • D) They’re cartoons, fer Chrissakes! You’d much rather “do” cocaine and prostitutes.

Consider that shit TAPPED!

Well, how did you do?

  1. If you mainly chose A, you are not only an Otaku, you have some serious mental health issues and are probably a registered sex offender. Or one waiting to happen. Look out your window. Do you see a preschool? Yeah? Do you feel tingly? Like, down there? Yeah, you should get some help. Or castrated.
  2. If you mainly chose B, you are the very definition of Otaku. Or at least the one from Merriam-Webster. Well, unless you really were married to Nero and were, like, awesome. Chances of reproduction are solely dependent on how many female otakus near you who would prefer male companionship over reading male on male yayoi.
  3. If you mainly chose C, you’re more or less normal, but you have to let the cat out of the bag. You are a closeted-Otaku. Now, you may be able to live your life happily, but is it true happiness when you’re rushing your Miyazaki Collectors DVDs into secret compartments before you have company over? Or feel the wrath of Catholic-level guilt every time you beat off to tentacle hentai? Give in! You’ll feel better after you do.
  4. If you mainly chose D, congratulations! You’re not an Otaku! Instead you’re just any other of the countless millions of pretentious yuppies infesting the world, drunk on reality TV while pretending you’re more important than the very thing you’re watching and deriving pleasure out of. In short, you are a douchebag.

Well, hey, you may be saying to yourself, “bullshit, there’s no way to win this!” Wrong again. The correct choice from the beginning is to have read through the entirety of the quiz before answering, like I told you to, reach this point and realize you dodged a bullet. The only correct way to finish an Otaku quiz is to not take one at all and live your life, you god damned conformist.



What’s this Naruto?

May 29, 2009

It was allllllll a dream!Oh, it’s a damned cop out, is it? The big ol’ reset button, huh? Completely negating the drama you’ve been presenting for the last two or three months? Well awesome, who needs consequences, right?

Well screw you, too, Naruto manga. Screw you too. How am I supposed to take the story seriously, where actions have consequences, when it suddenly pulls the rug out from underneath everything and pretty much pull off the equivalent of a “this was just a dream” twist?

Next time anybody dies in the book, how am I supposed to take it seriously? Goddamnit.

Weekly Shounen Roundup – Monthly Edition!

April 24, 2009

Can I get a holla for getting off my ass and writing this?

Well, here I am back with my second weekly shounen manga roundup, a full 2 weeks late. Blame exams and my general lethargic nature (I swear, it’s the glands!). And blame the media. It’s rotted my mind.

That and the fact that I didn’t actually catch up with any mange until only recently (and when I say ‘recently’, I mean half an hour ago).

Anyways, without further ado, because ados are sooo passe, let’s dive into what this week had to offer in shounen goodness.

Read the rest of this entry »

Weekly Manga Wrapup: Pearl Edition!

April 4, 2009
Can you say, "fucking pwned?" Of course you can't, 'pwned' isn't a fucking word!

Can you say, "fucking pwned?" Of course you can't, 'pwned' isn't a fucking word!

This is the start of my weekly column containing itty-bitty-mini-reviews of the manga chapters I’m currently following. There may be spoilers, so if you aren’t into that I don’t recom-Dumbledore Dies!-mend you continue reading this.

Naruto 442:

The exciting conclusion promised last week…doesn’t happen here. Which annoys me because lies are like acid to my mood. In typical shounen fashion, it ends right on the money shot, leaving us to wonder another week what the fuck will happen.

Rating: 3 out of 5, for Kishimoto being a lying little bitch.

One Piece 538:

One Piece chapters fall into two categories for me:

1. Action issues, where its almost a non-stop overflow of bloodied manhood. Impel Down’s been mostly this up until now, and its been glorious.

2. The explanation chapter, where the series slows to a standstill so character can suddenly jump into a ten chapter long flashback, or people just talk about WHAT WE HAD JUST SEEN.

Unfortunately, this week’s One Piece was the latter. Just a bunch of word bubbles  floating around gender bending okamas. Sure there was a nice One Piece moment on the last page with Luffy defying everyone’s expectations, but honestly, who didn’t see that coming? (Unless you’re blind, in which case I apologise. Actually, no I don’t because you didn’t just read that)

Rating: 2 out of 5, for a Nazi okama queen/king having a Shakespearean monologue.

You're a douchbag, Mr. Kurosaki.

You're a douchebag, Mr. Kurosaki.

Bleach 352:

So, what can we learn from chapter 352? Hollow-Ichigo is one giant, smelly, penis of a friend. Aside from that? Absolutely nothing else. Ichigo stabs an already armless Ishida. Gasp, shock, ambivalence.

Still, I have to note that of everyone this arc, Ishida’s definitely getting the shot end of the stick. I mean, the dude gets his ass kicked repeatedly, loses and arm and now has a fucking katana stuck in him.

Rating: 1 out of 5, for being a chapter that didn’t need to exist.

Fairy Tail 129:

Festival’s over, Lucy meets her dad, everyone’s going out for a mission. Lucy finds out dead beat dad is in danger, demands everyone go to rescue him. I assume they all say yes next week.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5, for excessive scenes of Lucy’s cleavage.

D.Gray-Man 182:

Now this is why I read manga. Just the right amount of exposition, followed by copious amounts of blood letting and a grand, juicy bits-filled finale. And I simply can’t fathom how the mangakacan draw so many detailed panels week in and week out. Probably the best drawn manga/comic on the market right now.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5, deducted .5 for not having Lenalee to stand around and be useless, but adorable.

Well, there’s the wrapup. Sorry for the lack of shoujo on the list, but, like, I’m a dude. Overall, a very lacking week with one bright spot in D.Gray-Man.