Oh God, they’re coming for Canada!

April 18, 2009
"Gee whiz, we sure are gonna fuck this place up!"

"Gee whiz, we sure are gonna fuck this place up!"

Well, news just broke that the Jonas Brothers are coming to Canada as Disney’s preemptive strike against this fair nation (oh, right, I’m Canadian). I had already written about the horrors the Cult of Disney have wrought and I knew the day the bastards come for us would eventually arise, but to actually hear the news…It’s soul crushing to say the least.

They’ll be hosting this year’s MMVA (aka the homeless man’s MTV Video Music Awards) on June 21 in Toronto, which will coincide with their world tour. A tour that will have seven Canadian stops.

Oh the agony.

I guess this is it. What more can I say? Come together with your loved ones, eat, pray, do whatever. Just…just be together. Be there as the anchor for one another’s inevitable mental breakdown and pandemonium. The Fantasiastical Disney Apocalypse is on our collective door steps, Canada, and we’re powerless under its pop tune infused, sugar coated orgy of mediocrity and innuendos.

Just look into Kevin Jonas’ eyes and you will know true evil.

"I love the taste of fresh babies in the morning."

"I love the taste of fresh babies in the morning."

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Hannah Montana and the Cult of Disney

April 13, 2009

What does Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron, and the Jonas Brothers all have in common? They are all white, wholesome puppets manufactured by the Disney Corporation for the consumption of ‘tweenie girls the world over. And a handful of weird middle aged men.

I remember Disney when it was a harmless, anti-Semitic establishment creating cinematic classics like a young cub’s struggle to adulthood in Lion King or the butchering of Islam in Aladdin. You know, timeless stuff. Now Disney just has Pixar do all of that while the company proper is pushing to the forefront a different kind of product. A soulless kind of product. A kind of product that has millions of children kowtowing to and basing their lifestyle and morals on.

Hell's bells y'all

Hell's bells y'all

Hannah Montana

Leading the vanguard of the Disney attack on parent’s wallets everywhere is lil’ missy Cyrus here. She really is the superhero of ‘tweens the world over, what with her unassuming ‘regular’ life as Miley and songstress mega star life Hannah.

All at the addage of a wig!

She is exactly like Sailor Moon, only whereas Sailor Moon saves the world from the forces of the Negaverse, Hannah Montana’s sole purpose is to be a teen sensation singer extraordinaire. And be sassy and shit.

(On a side note, I kind of want to shoot myself for knowing the Sailor Moon analogy right off the top of my head)

Miley Cyrus is singlehandedly bankrupting families the world over trying to appease their self-loathing daughters who have nothing better to do than live vicariously through the life of a 40 year old looking 17 year old. As it stands right now Hannah Montana is the only recession-proof industry on the market, and Disney is raking in the dollars – to a plum sum of $34 million this weekend.

I'm gonna look like Matthew Perry? Fuck that.

I'm gonna look like Matthew Perry? Fuck that.

Zac Efron

Only Disney can create a cultural icon out of a made for TV movie series about high schoolers singing and dancing on tables and stuff. I guess looking like an animated prince come true doesn’t hurt either.

But just look into those eyes. You know what that awkward tingling at the back of your neck is? It’s not because of Efron’s animal magnetism, no sir. It’s the chilling realization that there’s simply nothing in there. No, I’m not saying he’s stupid or an airhead. I’m telling you he is the embodiment of corporate marketing.

A tangible interpretation of fiscal finances and advertising. He is capitalism incarnate. He is a self-propelling market, with the kiddies swooning over his every move and chiseled abs. He has no personality, and it doesn’t matter! Your children and creepy uncle love him. High School Musical is G-rated porn and parents don’t even realize it.

My theory is that for Walt Disney’s inevitable resurrection, he needs a vessel to inhabit. And what better than the ultimate Aryan specimen that is Zac ‘will make men gay for him’ Efron?

Purity Power!

Purity Power!

Jonas Brothers

The stealth components of the Disney machine. The Jonas Brothers present the epitome of clean shaved, chaste Christianity. Parents across America will welcome the brothers into their lives, thinking them safe idols for their daughters to worship.

Only the parents don’t realize that whilst the Brothers outwardly project purity, Disney is actually provoking a mass process of reverse psychology. Girls are sexualizing the Brothers to a far greater degree than men sexualize Jenna Jameson.

Girls want the brothers, and not to be chums with and be chaste until marriage. Given a chance, your twelve year old daughter would viciously rape Nick Jonas. Coupled with ‘tween girls already weakened morals and fatigued physical fortitude from worshipping Miley Cyrus and Zac Efron, the Jonas Brothers are Disney’s end game. Break their will, Disney will effectively have control of the world’s breeding population.

The Future?

You know the Matrix? You’ll wish your future was like the Matrix. You will beg to your god or goddess or nature spirit to be made into a living power battery.

I…I can’t even begin to describe the horrors the Cult of Disney will cast upon the world. Suffice it to say, there will genetic modifications and you can bet your ass there will be no more Jews under the rule of Waltefron Disney. Israel will be a dumping ground for the corpses of Dreamworks and Shrek fans. I..No, I can’t go on.

If my predictions are correct, we are beyond the point of no return. We are all doomed. Gather your loved ones and just go do whatever the hell you want. The apocalypse begins April 17th, 2009 – in time for the wildly anticipated release of “17 Again”.