Are you an Otaku? A definitive quiz.

March 16, 2010

Look in the mirror. And be honest now!

I think we have all asked ourselves this question at least once – am I gay? This is usually followed by imagining various naked specimens of our species and calculating how aroused, ie. hard/wet, we are. For more promiscuous individuals, experimentation takes place either after a drunken night or for an awesome T-shit and a necklace beads. For most of us this is just a passing concern and we move on with our lives, never telling another living soul the ordeal we just went through.

What does this have to do with being an Otaku? Not much, except as a loose and shoddily concocted analogy. That still doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Let’s look at the definition of otaku before moving on, shall we? Merriam-Webster has it as “a person who is obsessed with anime, manga, and Japanese culture in general.” The 56th definition of the word on the definitive online resource Urban Dictionary has it as “teh deliciously kickass wife of nero.” The former indicates an unhealthy fixation on drawn images of junior high school girls in various levels of undress. The latter, with perfect grammar, indicating you’re the wife of an Emperor that burnt a fuck ton of Christian babies alive.  You’re deliciously kickass, though, for what that’s worth.

Either way, it’s slightly unflattering.

So, how can you tell whether or not you’re an Otaku? By taking this painstakingly crafted, scientifically proven quiz of course! Or just go outside and play a sport or hit a pub and get pissed.

Remember, read through the quiz before answering!

Question the first!

If you had to describe your character, would you:

  • A) Defer the description to an anime/manga protagonist, and how you’d so “totally master the same jutsus.”
  • B) You would refer to a movie /TV or book character, only occasionally referring to anime.
  • C) Refer to a historical figure and how you’d “totally end the Civil War if [you] had the chance.” And you’d do it with Ichigo’s haircut, because it’s cool and not because you know who Kurosaki Ichig…
  • D) Actually describe personality traits and net income.

This is, like, sooo totally me!

Question the one after the first!

What would be the trait most desirable in your sexual partner:

  • A) He/she would be a mega-kawaii mega-tsundere. And mahou. If you chose this, you already know what those mean.
  • B) A lifeless, soulless, though still huggable sex doll/life size moe pillow/VCR player. That you can fuck.
  • C) She can’t be assertive, because you fear strong, independent women. Someone like Bella from the Twilight series would be nice. Only pretty.
  • D) You’d settle for smart and funny, and a superb knowledge of great wines.

Wash your fucking hair once in a while!

Question the thrice!

Where would you like to go on your honeymoon if you could go anywhere?

  • A) Obviously a trip to Konoha, with a pit stop at the Grandline on your way home.
  • B) Akihabara, with a side of maid and imouto cafes. An actual wife is optional.
  • C) A trip East. Japan is an option. Maybe a manga shop, if there’s time. And a maid cafe…just to, like, say I’ve done it.
  • D) Hawaii, and then backpack through Europe. Really live the world, y’know?

I didn't really want to go here. But it's an experience, y'know? Heh...heh.

Question the 4th!

What is your usual go to wardrobe?

  • A) An exact replica Asuka plug suit, despite me being a 320 pound male.
  • B) Just my super wicked awesome Haruhi fanny pack and soooo ironic “Shinji is Cool” T-shirt.
  • C) Jeans, jacket and maybe a relatively non-descript T-shirt that may or may not have Naruto images on it.
  • D) Whatever the people in The Real World are wearing.

See? It's not Naruto at all...

Question the something or other!

How would you battle evil cyborg ninjas that just kidnapped your 2 month old puppy?

  • A) You would create a fully functioning Gundam (or just steal the one they made in Tokyo and pimp that shit out), and tear the world asunder looking for Ayanami-chan.
  • B) You would so open a can of whoop ass only hundreds of hours of Dragonball and Hunter X Hunter can teach.
  • C) Try to trade that collection of animated features (like, totally not anime).
  • D) Call the fucking cops. I mean, evil cyborg ninjas just took your new pure-bred toy poodle! That thing cost you eight large!

Nobody fucks with my Ayanami-wawi-foo

Question the ninth!

If you only had three days to live, what’s #1 on your bucket list?

  • A) You would molest Hayao Miyazaki and profess your hidden pedophilic tendencies. Nobody is surprised.
  • B) Sneak into aforementioned Gundam in Japan and do nasty, filthy things inside.
  • C) Admit you may have watched an anime or forty, and cry into your life-sized moe pillow.
  • D) Air balloon. Around the world! Though unfortunately you die only three days into your trip.

I...don't recommend going inside there. ESPECIALLY the left arm.

Question the eixinth!

Of these phrases, which would best describe YOU?

  • A) Urusai!
  • B) Kakkoi!
  • C) I swear, I’m not that into this stuff.
  • D) Turtlenecks are fashionable and utilitarian!

Swank and warm, all at once!

Question the I never learned to count!

Who would you rather “do” – Suzumiya Haruhi, Ayanami Rei, or Ponyo.

  • A) Ponyo. In a heartbeat. Over and over and over again.
  • B) Tough, but you’d definitely go with Rei. Her emotionless features underlay a warmth not many see.
  • C) Well, if you had to choose, I guess Haruhi. Again, if those are the choices.
  • D) They’re cartoons, fer Chrissakes! You’d much rather “do” cocaine and prostitutes.

Consider that shit TAPPED!

Well, how did you do?

  1. If you mainly chose A, you are not only an Otaku, you have some serious mental health issues and are probably a registered sex offender. Or one waiting to happen. Look out your window. Do you see a preschool? Yeah? Do you feel tingly? Like, down there? Yeah, you should get some help. Or castrated.
  2. If you mainly chose B, you are the very definition of Otaku. Or at least the one from Merriam-Webster. Well, unless you really were married to Nero and were, like, awesome. Chances of reproduction are solely dependent on how many female otakus near you who would prefer male companionship over reading male on male yayoi.
  3. If you mainly chose C, you’re more or less normal, but you have to let the cat out of the bag. You are a closeted-Otaku. Now, you may be able to live your life happily, but is it true happiness when you’re rushing your Miyazaki Collectors DVDs into secret compartments before you have company over? Or feel the wrath of Catholic-level guilt every time you beat off to tentacle hentai? Give in! You’ll feel better after you do.
  4. If you mainly chose D, congratulations! You’re not an Otaku! Instead you’re just any other of the countless millions of pretentious yuppies infesting the world, drunk on reality TV while pretending you’re more important than the very thing you’re watching and deriving pleasure out of. In short, you are a douchebag.

Well, hey, you may be saying to yourself, “bullshit, there’s no way to win this!” Wrong again. The correct choice from the beginning is to have read through the entirety of the quiz before answering, like I told you to, reach this point and realize you dodged a bullet. The only correct way to finish an Otaku quiz is to not take one at all and live your life, you god damned conformist.



Suzumiya Haruhi season 2 sucks. Horribly so.

July 17, 2009

Yay, I'm so pumped for a new Suzumiya.

Episode 2: Yay, I'm so pumped for a new Suzumiya.

I loved the original season of Suzumiya Haruhi with a passion. It still stands right up there with Fruits Basket as the best anime ever released (in my opinion, so don’t shout) but whatever the fuck KyoAni was smoking this season, they should get a refund. Then they should shoot their supplier.

I understand experimental film making (or, in this case, animation). I also understand that the overwhelming majority of the time experimental = shit. Unfortunately not even KyoAni can escape that imaginary, but I assure you very accurate, generalisation.

This has been an absolute fucking disaster in every fucking way. Fuck. I don’t usually swear this fucking much but I am fucking mad. I hope you can forgive my fucking language for a little while longer.


Oh, we're doing one of THESE stories? Cool.

Episode 3: Oh, we're doing one of THESE stories? Cool.

It’s pretty much a groundhogs day storyline, except most sci-fi television shows and/or movies know when enough is enough. Usually it involves the characters becoming self aware fairly early on, have fun with the situation (doing crazy things they wouldn’t normally), and then everything is fixed in a timely ONE EPISODE manner.

Suzumiya Haruhi? They just reached episode 5 of this motherfucking arc, every character is still stuck exactly in the same situation and nobody is any closer to an assraping resolution. Nobody even tries to have any fun with the situation. They just do the exact same thing every episode. What’s really frustrating is the “mysterious” solution to this time warping conundrum is about as subtle as a brick to your jaw. And then a steel toed boot for good measure.

I figured out the second goddamned episode Haruhi probably wants to do her fucking homework but do any of the other characters realize this? Of course not. Maybe Nagato does but she doesn’t talk. I’m not positive this is the answer but I’ll eat crow if it isn’t. I don’t think the show could’ve telegraphed this fucker anymore clearly.

The show had gone from one of the smartest animated series to braindead dumb.

Are you fucking serious?

Episode 4: Are you fucking serious?

You know what’s especially exasperating? I just watched episode 2-5 of the new season back to back and it was bar none the most annoying experience I’ve ever had with anime. I can’t even imagine the suffering fans have gone through watching the show real time. For me it was a kin to a scraping chalkboard, only in concert with ten others, and repeated three times now.

I mean, what kind of retarded chimp logic goes into something like this? Budget saving? Nope, there’s new animation every episode. Good story telling? Uh, read the last few paragraphs. The only thing I can think of is that this is a deliberate move on KyoAni’s part to alienate every one of their fans and bankrupt themselves in the process.

Well congratu-fucking-lations you dick suckers, you’re well on your way. I won’t be buying season 2 on DVD when it comes here. Not with this shit happening. This is bad story telling and a minor act of torture rolled up into one.

Episode 5: Yes, you fucking are.

Episode 5: Yes, you fucking are.

And if you actually defend this crap? Well fuck you too. Here’s a friendly suggestion to anyone who hasn’t suffered this yet: If episode 6 is (if there’s a god) the conclusion, watch episode 2 and 3 and just skip to 6. Episode 4 and 5 are absolutely superfluous and add NOTHING except the characters in different yukatas and swimsuits for about 3 minutes.

If the next episode isn’t the end (and I have a nagging suspicion it isn’t) then this will officially be the biggest waste of a gigantic anime budget I’ve ever witnessed. In a way, it’s rather brave seeing that KyoAni is daring enough to shit diarrhea into the faces of their loyal (me included) fans in such a shitty economy (see what I did there?).

I guess it can be historic for that.

Poor Nagato. You deserve to be in a better show right now.

NOTE: I apologize for the “fuck you too” comment. Just a bit emotional here. But you have to admit, it’s hard to defend.

Suzumiya Haruhi’s 2nd season is out…

May 26, 2009


So what the hell are you waiting for? It’s funny, it’s awesome, it’s Suzumiya fucking Haruhi. Go get it.

Well, it actually came out last week but I’ve only had enough time recently to actually watch it. I forgot how enjoyable a good anime can be, what with 95% of every anime season being absolute shit.