Top 10 movie and television pet peeves

After watching Criminal Minds, there were two scenes where a girl can escape chooses to, well, not to. Well, she chooses not to in one scene and just acts stupid in another. Watching this had me thinking of other stupid things characters do in movies and television that completely infuriates me because anyone with half a brain would know better. Here are some of the things that came to mind, though I’m sure I’m missing a bunch.

  1. Tripping. When a character has a clear path for escape, probably in a forest, they trip. It’s not a “holy shit my shin just splintered from my leg” kind of trip. Just an “awwww man, I scraped my knee” kind of fall. But for some mysterious reason, the inconvenience of the scraped knee incapacitates the character just long enough for whatever bad guy to catch up. This is stupid and lazy writing.
  2. Doors Ajar. Whether snooping around a house or opening a safe, there’s a 95% chance that the characters in a movie will forget to close a door all the way. This will invariably lead to someone listening in or see something is amiss. This will then lead to a completely unnecessary confrontation, which will lead to me sternly shaking my head. It always pisses me off when the show or movie makes it obvious the door isn’t closed all the way. Like it’s taunting me. Well fuck you movie and or television. Fuck you and your doors.
  3. Separating. Oh hey, I think there’s a murderer/monster/alien/hungry Oprah somewhere in the woods/factory/house/hell. I think the best way to go about is to split into smaller teams, because that’s the safest solution that comes to mind. This is obviously the most efficient way of finding him/her/it/Oprah. What’s that? How are you going to survive if you do confront it alone? Fuck if I know.
  4. Choosing to Go In. I’ve been weened on enough movies to know never to enter anything derelict looking, even if I’m fully armed, have a band full of friends, and am immortal. Even in real life, where it’s 80% sure I won’t be attacked by gremlins, I will outright, and quite rudely, refuse to enter an abandonned house or factory setting. I don’t care if it would possibly get me some poon tang afterwards, I’ll gladly spend the night with good ol’ lefty to spare me the risk of getting cannibal raped.
  5. Shortcuts. Why? Why take unmapped shortcuts when the shortcut leads into some dark road, dodgy looking farmland or a goddamned dessert? In the age of Mapquest, you don’t need Rusty the pegg-legged gas station manager’s “secret” route. In fact, why are you even talking to Rusty? If nothing else, he’s probably a pedophile.
  6. Poetic Narration. I’m not one of those film-snobs who condemn narration movies. I rather like it, but only when it’s good (Forrest Gump or Shawshank). But when it bundles pretentious quotes from philosophers or poets, or worse the poetic ramblings of the script writer, then you have me immediately despising the movie or episode right at the outset. Because I tend to hold grudges, chances are I’ll hate the end result.
  7. Symbolism. I get it. He’s supposed to represent a saviour or something. You don’t need him dying in a crucified position. Or if the girl just lost her virginity, I don’t need shots of flowers blooming. I’m not a fan of gratuitous metaphor. You know why? Because that’s just the filmmaker thinking I’m stupid and that without 54 allusions to the bible or something I won’t understand that’s what he or she was going for.
  8. Not Escaping. Similar to tripping, only you don’t even make the attempt to escape in the first place. Like I mentioned, this was also from Criminal Minds where the girl had about five minutes where the mentally deminished murderer was 20 feet away and couldn’t even see her. Run you dumb kidnapped skank, run your prostitute legs off. Even if I liked the character up until that point, I’ll be amped for his or her death if the chance to run like hell isn’t capitalized on.
  9. Not Killing the Hero. I get that killing the hero would end the movie, but when it’s revealed that the villain’s ultimate goal is for their death it kind of puts the rest of the movie into perspective. All the failed opportunities and boneheaded moves are starkly illuminated. This was most recently demonstrated in Terminator Salvation when (spoilers) Skynet doesn’t kill Kyle Reese or John Connor despite numerous chances to. Why lure them to Skynet’s HQ in the first place when you had a sleeper Terminator beside John Connor the entire way there?
  10. Not Killing the Villain. Unless you’re fighting a ghost, make sure the fucker is dead. If you are fighting a ghost, get at least three exorcisms done. Don’t just walk away from a burning house thinking just because you left the body in there that it still is. See the body, and give him or her a shot to the brain. Hell, four shots. Don’t half ass this. In war, soldiers check the bodies of their opponents and stab or shoot it even if it isn’t breathing. Whenever I see this happening in a movie, I want to kill the hero. Well, throttle because killing is wrong.

6 Responses to Top 10 movie and television pet peeves

  1. I agree 100%. I don’t know how many times I verbally assault a movie I am watching, yelling “Just run, you stupid fucking idiot!”. Good list.

  2. Hectorius the Glorious says:

    I don’t care how gay it is, I’m saying this — I hate it when lovers don’t get with each other at the end. I just want to see a happy ending. Like when Pirates 3 ended on Jack but then after the credits it gave me the ending I actually wanted.

    • Sang says:

      Yeah, that is pretty gay…but I kind of agree. Now, if the movie was actually BETTER because they didn’t get together I wouldn’t mind, but if it’s used as a cheap dramatic ploy then I usually get pissed off.

  3. Shae says:

    i super love this story momi chris, pero i prefer the book than the film. Ive been a fan of nlochias sparks ever since.Visiting you thru TBE.

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