The Rise and Fall of Heroes


I thought you guys were cool. What the hell happened?

When Heroes hit back in 2006, it introduced itself like a right hook to your supple jaw line. After being stunned for a few moments – or dead – you realized, “holy crap, what the fuck man?”

And then you’d realize, “holy crap, this show is awesome!”

The show was so damned good. It introduced characters that we (I assume we all watch the show) cared about. Peter, the male nurse with a weird mouth who also happens to be an ability absorbing badass. Hiro, the geeky Japanese office worker with a billionaire father (because that’s realism, duh) who has the ability to manipulate time and carry a sword at some indeterminate spot in the future. Claire, the show’s Wolverine, only taller, blonder, and sassiness in place of eviscerating claws. Nathan the flying man, Matt the psychic man, Micah the boy wonder, Isaac painting big explosions, and Mohinder the, uh, Indian.

Then there was Sylar. The enigmatic Big Bad running around cutting people’s scalps off. Even after he was caught and you found out he was some watch repairing douchebag, he was still menacing s hell.

So much greatness, and for whatever reason the producers and writers all got in a room, ordered some Quizno’s, and decided that yep, we’re done writing quality shit now that season one’s over.

Season 2 came, with promises and aspirations of a new level of greatness. Instead we get Jeph Loeb tossing his feces in our faces. The season just didn’t work. Hiro’s little escapade in Japan lasted about five episodes too long. The new threat of Adam and the super virus was never threatening. Peter was kind of a douchebag. Nathan was all religious. Sylar had no powers. Mohinder jumped sides 49 times. Claire forgot all of her hard earned lessons in gratitude and earnestness and became a whining little cunt again. We’re introduced to two absolutely inconsequential characters from Me-he-co.

Fuck season 2. Fuck it to hell. I don’t care that there was a writer’s strike. What was written before it happened sucked a giant pair of walrus testicles.

But season 3 can fix it right? I mean, they couldn’t have just completely forgot what they did back in that glorious first season, right? Nope, Loeb and Co. instead opted to run on over and really smear that shit over your face. Get it into every single orifice. I can just hear Loeb all creepy, “oh yeah bitch, you know you like that. Oh yeah, my fingers are big aren’t they. Get in there. Ohhh yeeeaaahhhh.”

The beginning half of volume 3 may very well be the greatest achievement in TV history – a half season long Uwe Boll movie. This is not an exaggeration. When Sylar was chasing Claire around her house like Michael Meyers, only to be stumped by a one inch thick wooden door? What the fuck? And doesn’t this completely negate the importance of Claire? Save the cheerleader, save the world and all that jazz? Now that Sylar’s got her power, why is she still on the show, whining and whining and whining and whining.

Plus, Arthur Petrelli being introduced and just completely obliterating Adam? Peter completely forgetting about his girlfriend he stranded in the future last season? Hiro being even more of a push over, despite learning to be samurai supreme at the end of season one? My God, there was so much wrong with this half of the season. Things didn’t make sense, events happened without consequence and in the end everything was wrapped up and completely forgotten.

And don’t get me started on Daphne. Oh God I hate Daphne.

Now here we are over half way through the second volume of season 3, and do things get better? A whole lot of NO, but a smidgen of yes. Characters still do shit recklessly and completely unlike themselves in season one, the new threat introduce is ANOTHER exploding city painting, and Claire is still a whining little cunt. BUT, there is a silver lining in there. You just have to toss away a ton of human and orangutan excrement to find it.

Jeph Loeb and the other cockface who ran the writing room were unceremoniously fired (to only go on and ruin the Ultimate universe) and Bryan Fuller, former season one writer turn awesome Pushing Daisies creator, was hired to replace the fuckers. His first episode back on the job, “Cold Snap” could very well be compared to some of the best of season one. It was fantastic, and even gave Daphne some genuinely affecting closure.

So, Heroes is still burning itself alive, but hopes are high that Bryan Fuller can turn the ashes into a radiant, ass kicking, phoenix come next season.


One Response to The Rise and Fall of Heroes

  1. Good, I am glad that I didn’t waste my time and watch season 3. I am disappointed in this show now. I think I will forget season 2 ever happened and ignore that season 3 exists.

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