Ah, Resident Evil. How you and I have done the Danse Macabre over the years. I’ve tried to love you, and at times my adolescent mind tricked its lust and hormone fueled dementia into almost believing there’s something there. It was the first M-rated game I had ever seen, and it was infatuation at first sight.
No, you continue to be just out of my heart’s grasp.
But here you are again, knocking on my door with a new boob job and a big giant nostalgia bat, ready to beat your way back into my life. Whatever, not like there are any other game’s to play in March. Come on in, let’s get this booty call over with.
So we have Mr. Redfield back in the fray, arms that would make John Cena blush, and a black sidekick who doesn’t really look black. She’s practically a hot British girl covered in sand coloured cream. Then we have the authentic African vistas, consisting of Africans, Mexicans, Asians and Caucasians. There’s even a random blond-haired, blue eyed Aryan chick thrown in for absolutely no reason. Literally. If you’ve played the game, you know about this strange creature.
So, what of the game itself? It looks really, really pretty. Probably the best face and body motion capture since the Godawful Heavenly Sword. I mean, the way the people’s faces and body move even shame MGS4. Unfortunately everything’s so hilariously contrived that it’s hard to take a word Chris, Sheva or the other black dude say seriously. Plus, just wait until you hear this one villains voice. It’s like a mix of street wise Brooklyn, stereotypical Italian mobster and a half retarded calf all rolled up into one. And what the hell was up with that Excella (sp?) chick? She’s supposed to be a highly regarded bio-scientist, but she tramps around in next to nothing, sounds like your neighbour impersonating Selma Hayek, and is about as smart as your creaky floor board. Only more annoying.
But the gameplay, it must be great right? Well, yes and no. You know the controls are broken. There’s no two ways around it. If these controls were transplanted into any other game, everyone would deem it crap, but because it’s in Resident Evil we all must hail it as a return to form, amping up the tension. It’s like every Resident Evil fan is a battered wife, always willing to take him back when he shows up again after two or three years with flowers and a new SKU. I measure the greatness of controls like this:
1. Hand control to a novice to non-gamer. Tell them the basics and let them have at it.
2. After about ten minutes, if they haven’t called you an idiot and left the room, you have good controls.
RE5 does not past this control test.
But whatever, the reason I don’t mind the broken controls is because the game is so ludicrously easy that you will never, ever be challenged. That ‘tension’ Capcom went for is completely null when you’re practically a walking tank throughout the game. Play with a friend and the game’s as hard as watching a six hour cutscene. And don’t even get me started on the stun rod. It’s a developer made game breaker is what it is. Damnit, I just started on it.
But what of the story! HAH! Hahahahahahahaha. *Breath* HAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahaha.
Rating: More broken promises and dashed dreams.