Inaugural Movie Review: Phoebe in Wonderland

The most adorable tourette's kid you'll ever meet. The others are all douchebags.

The most adorable tourette's kid you'll ever meet. The others are all douchebags.

Yes, first review. And it’s…this. Well, it was the last movie I saw so I guess it’ll have to do.

Now, if any of you have seen the previews for this thing it pretty much looks like any other kiddy crap currently out in the wild yonder of anguished parents and over indulgent children. It has an adorable kid who doesn’t follow the rules, supportive parents, whimsical fantasy, whacky hijinks, etc.

What the trailer didn’t show you is that Elle Fanning’s Phoebe is fucked up.

Like schizophrenic, tourettes, OCD fucked up. Those adorable ticks you saw in the trailer? That was this little girl having a mental break down, hallucinating, scrubbing her hands bloody, and spitting on people. Yes, this is a kids movie, but it’s also kind of like watching The Passion of the Christ, only it’s Dakota’s little sister self-flagellating herself for the enjoyment of children everywhere! Now, I don’t have tourettes but I did watch this British documentary on it once, so I can empathise. What I can say is, despite Phoebe being insane in the membrane, it was at least all bloody adorable (I did a pun! High fives all around). Those British tourettes folk were all jackasses. They swore at everything, and they also had an annoying tick that forces them to swear a lot. It was like being a douchebag twice over.

Like they were mocking me personally. With prejudice.

What about the rest of the movie? It kind of sucked. No lies. Things happened that I didn’t care about. There was a play, other kids, some dancing. I guess a camera was used to film it or something. I don’t know. It just exists. Because whenever Phoebe isn’t being fucked up, the movie just, well, kind of sucks. The dialogue was boring (though it did teach me the true meaning of “faggot”), the people were boring, the school was boring, and for some reason Phoebe sometimes had a southern twang in her voice. If you have to watch it, it’s not going to ruin your life or anything.

In fact, it may give you a new perspective on the most important debate ever: Are the Fanning sisters robots? I mean, can children actually be this professional? Every child I’ve ever met has been a living, breathing sinkhole of disease and general discomfort. What this movie goes to show is this – No, Elle Fanning isn’t a robot. She’s just crazy.

Jury’s still out on Dakota.

Rating: Fucked up, man. Like, whoa. But adorable.

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